Except for the sex part…

When I decided to start blogging I only told a few of the people closest to me. I wanted to keep it on the down low.  I wasn’t writing for them. Or for my X. I was writing for me. And for people like me. The ones wearing divorce shoes. But those that I did talk to about it were very supportive.

“How cool!” they said. “It will be just like Sex and the City.”

“Umm…sure.” I hesitantly replied.  “Except for the sex part. And the city part. But I guess there is the shoe thing…”

When married people imagine your single life-I think they assume the sex part is great. You are a single adult-and why wouldn’t it be? And on that note, I have a couple of questions. Again. Just some things I’ve been thinking about. It’s totally not about me. Or my BDF (best divorced friend).  Really. I promise. It’s more of an ‘I’m just wondering’ question. And it is about sex.  I’m a 40ish year old woman. I’m supposed to be having the best sex of my life. I think. I heard that once and I guess it kind of stuck with me. It made me believe I still had time while I was married. It gave me hope.

If you aren’t having sex with someone you are dating… are you really dating? Or are you just friends? And I’m not talking about the mandatory time you wait before you start having sex with someone you just started seeing. If you even have one. (And for the record I know that is different for everyone. No judgment here.) What I’m asking is- if someone doesn’t want to have sex with you do they really even like you ‘that way’…or are you just friends? Are you a placeholder while they find someone else that they do want to have sex with? Is it that they are ‘just not that into you.’ (Literally…) And you are just ‘hanging out’?  Is this situation going anywhere? It’s so confusing. I mean are you going to find your soul mate in a person who isn’t attracted to you in a sexual way. With a man that doesn’t make intimacy (with you) a priority. Because guess what? I want intimacy. I think sex is pretty damn important. And I’m not the only woman who thinks so. At least I don’t think I am… That’s why I’m asking these questions!

Let me back track a little. Back to my marriage.  And my X. Obviously the sex wasn’t that great. I mean when we had sex it wasn’t terrible. But in my opinion we didn’t have enough. Every once in a while it was pretty good. But it definitely wasn’t ever mind blowing. Mainly- because it wasn’t a priority. For my X. And I was too embarrassed-or ashamed- to make it a priority for me.  For me that lack of intimacy represented rejection. It made me feel unattractive, unimportant and unloved.  All kinds of ‘un’s’. And with those ‘un’s’ my self-esteem plummeted. And my resentment grew.  Now-to make it worse- I know that it wasn’t that my X was too tired, or stressed, or unhappy to have sex. Because guess what? He was having sex. Just not with me! I was the only one missing out…

So maybe that’s my real concern now that I think about it. If they aren’t having sex with you are they having sex with someone else? Because I don’t think I could survive that again. Being someone’s second choice is too painful. (Or third or fourth choice… Depending on who you ask.)

Can you believe I’m a single divorced woman in my 40’s and still haven’t figured this shit out? I’m still worried about sex. And my numbers. (How many/how often). My gut tells me that if someone isn’t interested in you that way-its time to move on. But I don’t know… It’s so complicated! Maybe there is no ‘right’ answer.

But I just thought I would ask…