“So dad is getting married this week…” My oldest son informs me with minimal emotion. He’s always the bearer of ‘bad’ news when it comes to things about the X. (I sometimes imagine my 3 kids having their ‘secret meetings’ to discuss whatever current topic they are forced to deal with due to the misfortune of being ‘children of divorce’. I can see them holed up in someones bedroom deciding among themselves who will break the news. And I am sure all eyes always fall immediately to son #1. That’s what happens when you are the oldest). I know he hasn’t been looking forward to telling me. He probably doesn’t know what to expect. And who can blame him. I usually don’t know what to expect either when it comes to my X. It’s complicated. Not in the ‘I still have feelings for him’ way. More like ‘I still can’t wrap my head around what he did to us’ way. His affair and our divorce still affect the kids and I ever single day. It was life changing.
“Oh.” I reply. Also with minimal emotion. And it isn’t an act. I feel minimally about it initially. I know it deserves minimal consideration on my part. But like I said- it’s complicated. It doesn’t really change anything I rationalize to myself. I don’t envy his upcoming marriage. I know he and the homewrecker are getting exactly what they deserve in each other. A relationship that starts from lies will end in lies…eventually. However, my first clear feeling is surprising. I feel sorry for him! I can’t believe that he is so weak. Why get married? For the third time? To the homewrecker?? I am surprised by his apparent fear of being alone. I am surprised by his inability to be an independent man. I am surprised by his inability to put the children first. He knows his children do not have a good relationship with the homewrecker- but even that doesn’t dissuade him. I’m sure someone along the way has mentioned to him that the third time isn’t necessarily a charm.
My mind drifts back to a similar conversation my son and I had several years ago when the X got engaged. It was almost Christmas and I was wrapping gifts at the kitchen table when son #1 showed up unexpectedly. He was supposed to be at the X’s. He got straight to the point.
“Dad is engaged. They’re getting married. We just thought you should know.”
My reaction surprised both of us. I burst into tears. Which is not my normal reaction to anything. I excused myself immediately to my bathroom to pull myself together. My son followed me. He was worried.
“Mom- it will be OK. You don’t want to be with him anyway.” He reasoned. “You are so much better off now. And none of us kids are going to have anything to do with it…”
“I am OK. Really.” I try to reassure him. “I just need a minute. I don’t even know why I’m crying! I don’t even miss your dad. It was just a surprise I guess. It’s complicated. It just seems like somehow after everything they have done-they are winning…”
“Trust me mom. They aren’t winning anything.” Truer words were never spoken. And those came from a 17 year old boy.
That was two-ish years ago. I’ve come a really long way since then. (And so have the kids…) I mean I’ve walked countless ’emotional miles’ in my divorce shoes. I have gained perspective and strength. I have found healing and independence. I think I am stronger now than I ever have been. I don’t need a relationship to make me happy. I definitely don’t need a marriage. I find it fascinating that my X does. Why did this man ever intimidate me?
My focus returns to the present. To the X’s upcoming marriage. To the homewrecker. I feel the surprising need to giggle.
“Do you know any details?”I can’t help myself from asking. I’m curious.
“Nope.” He replies flatly. “And I don’t care about it. It’s his deal. Not mine.”
“Yep.” I reply. He’s right. It is ‘his’ deal. But it’s a little teeny tiny bit my deal too. I was married to the man for 15 years. I walked down the aisle in a beautiful dress and promised myself to him for better or for worse. We have 3 beautiful children together. We will always be linked together. Whether we like it or not. Or wait a minute…
Maybe not. Maybe these upcoming nuptials are all him. And the Homewreckers. I really don’t want anything to do with it anyway. Except I have to admit…I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
Like I said before. It’s exactly what they deserve…👠
Divorce Shoes 