Tag: marriage

The third time isn’t necessarily a charm…

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“So dad is getting married this week…” My oldest son informs me with minimal emotion. He’s always the bearer of ‘bad’ news when it comes to things about the X. (I sometimes imagine my 3 kids having their ‘secret meetings’ to discuss whatever current topic they are forced to deal with due to the misfortune of being ‘children of divorce’. I can see them holed up in someones bedroom deciding among themselves who will break the news. And I am sure all eyes always fall immediately to son #1. That’s what happens when you are the oldest). I know he hasn’t been looking forward to telling me. He probably doesn’t know what to expect. And who can blame him. I usually don’t know what to expect either when it comes to my X.  It’s complicated. Not in the ‘I still have feelings for him’ way. More like ‘I still can’t wrap my head around what he did to us’ way. His affair and our divorce still affect the kids and I ever single day. It was life changing.

“Oh.” I reply. Also with minimal emotion. And it isn’t an act. I feel minimally about it initially. I know it deserves minimal consideration on my part. But like I said- it’s complicated. It doesn’t really change anything I rationalize to myself. I don’t envy his upcoming marriage.  I know he and the homewrecker are getting exactly what they deserve in each other. A relationship that starts from lies will end in lies…eventually. However, my first clear feeling is surprising. I feel sorry for him! I can’t believe that he is so weak. Why get married? For the third time? To the homewrecker?? I am surprised by his apparent fear of being alone. I am surprised by his inability to be an independent man. I am surprised by his inability to put the children first. He knows his children do not have a good relationship with the homewrecker- but even that doesn’t dissuade him. I’m sure someone along the way has mentioned to him that the third time isn’t necessarily a charm.

My mind drifts back to a similar conversation my son and I had several years ago when the X got engaged. It was almost Christmas and I was wrapping gifts at the kitchen table when son #1 showed up unexpectedly. He was supposed to be at the X’s. He got straight to the point.

“Dad is engaged. They’re getting married. We just thought you should know.”

My reaction surprised both of us. I burst into tears. Which is not my normal reaction to anything. I excused myself immediately to my bathroom to pull myself together. My son followed me. He was worried.

“Mom- it will be OK. You don’t want to be with him anyway.” He reasoned. “You are so much better off now. And none of us kids are going to have anything to do with it…”

“I am OK. Really.” I try to reassure him. “I just need a minute. I don’t even know why I’m crying! I don’t even miss your dad. It was just a surprise I guess. It’s complicated. It just seems like somehow after everything they have done-they are winning…”

“Trust me mom. They aren’t winning anything.” Truer words were never spoken. And those came from a 17 year old boy.

That was two-ish years ago. I’ve come a really long way since then. (And so have the kids…) I mean I’ve walked countless ’emotional miles’ in my divorce shoes. I have gained perspective and strength. I have found healing and independence.  I think I am stronger now than I ever have been. I don’t need a relationship to make me happy. I definitely don’t need a marriage. I find it fascinating that my X does. Why did this man ever intimidate me?

My focus returns to the present. To the X’s upcoming marriage. To the homewrecker. I feel the surprising need to giggle.

“Do you know any details?”I can’t help myself from asking. I’m curious.

“Nope.” He replies flatly. “And I don’t care about it. It’s his deal. Not mine.”

“Yep.” I reply. He’s right. It is ‘his’ deal. But it’s a little teeny tiny bit my deal too. I was married to the man for 15 years. I walked down the aisle in a beautiful dress and promised myself to him for better or for worse. We have 3 beautiful children together. We will always be linked together. Whether we like it or not. Or wait a minute…

Maybe not. Maybe these upcoming nuptials are all him. And the Homewreckers. I really don’t want anything to do with it anyway. Except I have to admit…I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

Like I said before. It’s exactly what they deserve…👠

 

 

 

But they have each other…

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A friend of mine called me the other night…she was upset. She was struggling to get the words out through her tears. She had just been to the hospital to visit a family member who had recently been diagnosed with cancer.  This man is in his 60’s. He is hardworking. He is a family man. He has been there for my friend when she needed him. It’s not fair! Cancer is horrible… She was feeling understandably sad. She described him and his wife as just good old fashioned nice people. They live a simple life. And they are in love. She described them lying together in his hospital bed.

‘Should we get you a cot?’ she asked his wife. She was trying to be helpful.

‘No. We fit together just fine’ his wife replied. They haven’t been married  long. And now that they have found each other they don’t want to let go. I could picture them contentedly resting together in a hospital bed. Holding hands. She even described them smiling and laughing.

As my friend finished her story we both sat silently on the phone for a minute. Absorbing it quietly.  You see there is something in that story that we both want. Something so incredibly beautiful.  In that hospital room were two people who have found each other to love. They have succeeded in finding a fulfilling and unconditional romantic love. And that is something special. It is something different than the love between a parent and child. (Which is no less awesome…) But it is different.  They chose each other. They have committed themselves to one another, for better or for worse. And right now they are facing the ‘worse.’  This couple is facing something terrible. But they aren’t alone. They have each other. So that makes it bearable.

When I’m out and about I am always fascinated by the elderly couples. I admire them. On any given Sunday after church you will see an older couple out to lunch. Wearing their best clothes and talking quietly to each other across the table. I love it! I am inspired by stories of couples celebrating their 50+ years together.  I enjoy seeing those sweet pictures of golden anniversaries on Facebook.  Or how about the bittersweet stories of couples who die just hours apart…those articles get me every single time. Bring on the Kleenex.

Because you know what? Those people didn’t have perfect lives. Perfect lives don’t exist! In fact they probably had some really hard times. I’m positive they did! Everyone has problems. Money problems. Work problems. Family problems. Health problems. They had stress and strife. Maybe they even dealt with infidelity! I bet they even fought over dishes and laundry. Over bad kids and overbearing mother-in-laws. Who doesn’t!  But guess what? They stuck it out. Together. It seems to me that those couples who are able to stick it out through all the shitty stuff that life throws at them…they are rewarded with the great stuff in the end.  And in my mind that is a beautiful thing.

As divorced woman in my 40’s this is something that I think about.  I don’t mean for it to sound pathetic. Or needy. But it is something I want. I want someone to ‘grow old’ with! Not because I’m afraid of being alone. At least not entirely… I want to find someone to ‘grow old’ with because I think it would bring joy to my life. It would represent my ability to come full circle. Maybe it will be marriage. Maybe not. But it will be a relationship that I can count on. A person that chooses me above all others. And vice versa. The older you get the more clear it becomes that the true successes in life have to do with the relationships that you build. The love that you share. The commitments you keep. It won’t be about how much money is in your wallet, how successful your company is, what car you drove, or how clean your kitchen was. It won’t even be about the shoes that you wear.  It will all be about love.

And love is beautiful no matter what shoes it is wearing.👠

 

LOVE CAN RULE THE WORLD…❤️