Can’t we just be friends??

“Single men and women can’t be friends. The possibility of sex always gets in the way…”

At least according to my brother-in-law. (And I’m assuming he must of watched ‘When Harry Met Sally’ at some point, because I’m pretty sure that’s where the quote comes from…) I remember him telling me this after my divorce. I was talking to him about a man who was texting me. “We are just friends,” I told him with confidence. “We have been through a lot of similar shit. He’s divorced. His wife cheated on him. We are practically soul sisters!”

“Nope…your not.”he insisted. “He’s sniffing around to see where you stand and what his chances are. He doesn’t want to be your friend. Don’t be naive.”

God I hate it when people tell me I am naive. I thought he was wrong. In fact-I was positive he was wrong. I rolled my eyes silently. I mean we are adults. We can easily be friends. I don’t care if he is a man. I don’t want to have sex with every single (emphasis on single) man I have a conversation with. In fact- I want to have sex with almost none of them. And not every single man wants to have sex with me!

But I have been divorced for awhile now. And it does seem a little more complicated than I originally thought. (It turns out- that first man after the divorce I was texting with. He wanted to be more than friends. So our texting relationship came to an end…) So what the hell is going on? I can’t tell anymore. I have had several friendships in the last few years that eventually resulted in one of those awkward moments where you walk away feeling confused. Or if you mention this ‘male friend’ in passing to someone more than once, everyone assumes that it must be something more. They nod and smile in the most annoying ways. And then there is the dreaded text message that seems a little weird. You find yourself reading it out loud to one of your friends…repeatedly… just to see what they think. And that’s what happened recently.

“He used the word friendship and said I was a sensual woman in the same message…is that weird?”I ask my brother-in-law. I had just received some new messages from a friend and I was struggling with deciphering the intent. My brother-in-law is definitely not usually my ‘go-to’ expert, but I was desperate. And…all my girlfriends were currently unavailable. And…I was drinking wine. Maybe a male perspective wouldn’t hurt?! Plus-I could always run it by my girls later.

“Yes…it’s weird. He doesn’t want to be your friend.” Case closed apparently. He doesn’t seem interested in engaging in the ‘minimum of 20 minute’ discussion that my BDF (Best Divorced Friend) would give me. He doesn’t ask for the entire run down of every interaction we have ever had. He doesn’t care what shoes I was wearing when I met my male friend the first time. He doesn’t even ask the guys name! (And he probably knows I wouldn’t tell him anyway…) He is confident in his assessment of the situation with minimal information.

“Let me read it again.”I insist.”And this time take note of how he say’s he wants to have a female friend…” I don’t think my brother-in-law is really trying to see it from both sides. I already know what he thinks of male and female relationships. But he doesn’t know what it’s like to be single in your 40’s. He doesn’t know everything! So I find myself trying to convince him anyway. Or maybe I’m trying to convince myself. Can’t we just be friends?? I refuse to give up on that!

“You don’t need to read it again,”he interrupts.”I heard exactly what he was saying. The man typed the word sensual. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve used that word in a sentence. Let alone sent it in a message to one of my friends.”

“But he also used the word friends! Several times actually. Specifically- female friendship. That’s pretty clear!” I refuse to give up. “And did I tell you I was wearing boots the first time we talked? They are a very friendly shoe.” He rolls his eyes…

“Let me know how that works out for you…”He isn’t giving up either. Imagine that. We can’t agree.

The truth is…I would love to have a male friend. Especially a single one. I think it would be brilliant. I imagine some really great guy who is living the same life as me. As a divorced, single, working parent. Just waiting to be my friend. I think it could fill a big void in my life.  Having an honest male perspective from someone who isn’t related to me could be ground breaking in my ‘single working mom’ world. And in return I could offer him an honest female perspective. Without any ulterior motives. Just friendship. We would be each others secret weapons! Super-single friends to the rescue!

So I will keep hoping. I think the right single man is out there waiting to be found. To be my Best Male Friend (BMF)…

Plus- I really like men. Especially when I’m not married to them…👠

(PS…as for my friend who thinks I’m sensual. I’ll let you know how that one turns out. I still think it has potential. He may be the one…)