Tag: dating

Can’t we just be friends??

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“Single men and women can’t be friends. The possibility of sex always gets in the way…”

At least according to my brother-in-law. (And I’m assuming he must of watched ‘When Harry Met Sally’ at some point, because I’m pretty sure that’s where the quote comes from…) I remember him telling me this after my divorce. I was talking to him about a man who was texting me. “We are just friends,” I told him with confidence. “We have been through a lot of similar shit. He’s divorced. His wife cheated on him. We are practically soul sisters!”

“Nope…your not.”he insisted. “He’s sniffing around to see where you stand and what his chances are. He doesn’t want to be your friend. Don’t be naive.”

God I hate it when people tell me I am naive. I thought he was wrong. In fact-I was positive he was wrong. I rolled my eyes silently. I mean we are adults. We can easily be friends. I don’t care if he is a man. I don’t want to have sex with every single (emphasis on single) man I have a conversation with. In fact- I want to have sex with almost none of them. And not every single man wants to have sex with me!

But I have been divorced for awhile now. And it does seem a little more complicated than I originally thought. (It turns out- that first man after the divorce I was texting with. He wanted to be more than friends. So our texting relationship came to an end…) So what the hell is going on? I can’t tell anymore. I have had several friendships in the last few years that eventually resulted in one of those awkward moments where you walk away feeling confused. Or if you mention this ‘male friend’ in passing to someone more than once, everyone assumes that it must be something more. They nod and smile in the most annoying ways. And then there is the dreaded text message that seems a little weird. You find yourself reading it out loud to one of your friends…repeatedly… just to see what they think. And that’s what happened recently.

“He used the word friendship and said I was a sensual woman in the same message…is that weird?”I ask my brother-in-law. I had just received some new messages from a friend and I was struggling with deciphering the intent. My brother-in-law is definitely not usually my ‘go-to’ expert, but I was desperate. And…all my girlfriends were currently unavailable. And…I was drinking wine. Maybe a male perspective wouldn’t hurt?! Plus-I could always run it by my girls later.

“Yes…it’s weird. He doesn’t want to be your friend.” Case closed apparently. He doesn’t seem interested in engaging in the ‘minimum of 20 minute’ discussion that my BDF (Best Divorced Friend) would give me. He doesn’t ask for the entire run down of every interaction we have ever had. He doesn’t care what shoes I was wearing when I met my male friend the first time. He doesn’t even ask the guys name! (And he probably knows I wouldn’t tell him anyway…) He is confident in his assessment of the situation with minimal information.

“Let me read it again.”I insist.”And this time take note of how he say’s he wants to have a female friend…” I don’t think my brother-in-law is really trying to see it from both sides. I already know what he thinks of male and female relationships. But he doesn’t know what it’s like to be single in your 40’s. He doesn’t know everything! So I find myself trying to convince him anyway. Or maybe I’m trying to convince myself. Can’t we just be friends?? I refuse to give up on that!

“You don’t need to read it again,”he interrupts.”I heard exactly what he was saying. The man typed the word sensual. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve used that word in a sentence. Let alone sent it in a message to one of my friends.”

“But he also used the word friends! Several times actually. Specifically- female friendship. That’s pretty clear!” I refuse to give up. “And did I tell you I was wearing boots the first time we talked? They are a very friendly shoe.” He rolls his eyes…

“Let me know how that works out for you…”He isn’t giving up either. Imagine that. We can’t agree.

The truth is…I would love to have a male friend. Especially a single one. I think it would be brilliant. I imagine some really great guy who is living the same life as me. As a divorced, single, working parent. Just waiting to be my friend. I think it could fill a big void in my life.  Having an honest male perspective from someone who isn’t related to me could be ground breaking in my ‘single working mom’ world. And in return I could offer him an honest female perspective. Without any ulterior motives. Just friendship. We would be each others secret weapons! Super-single friends to the rescue!

So I will keep hoping. I think the right single man is out there waiting to be found. To be my Best Male Friend (BMF)…

Plus- I really like men. Especially when I’m not married to them…👠

 

(PS…as for my friend who thinks I’m sensual. I’ll let you know how that one turns out. I still think it has potential. He may be the one…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can’t we just be friends??

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“Single men and women can’t be friends. The possibility of sex always gets in the way…”

At least according to my brother-in-law. (And I’m assuming he must of watched ‘When Harry Met Sally’ at some point, because I’m pretty sure that’s where the quote comes from…) I remember him telling me this after my divorce. I was talking to him about a man who was texting me. “We are just friends,” I told him with confidence. “We have been through a lot of similar shit. He’s divorced. His wife cheated on him. We are practically soul sisters!”

“Nope…your not.”he insisted. “He’s sniffing around to see where you stand and what his chances are. He doesn’t want to be your friend. Don’t be naive.”

God I hate it when people tell me I am naive. I thought he was wrong. In fact-I was positive he was wrong. I rolled my eyes silently. I mean we are adults. We can easily be friends. I don’t care if he is a man. I don’t want to have sex with every single (emphasis on single) man I have a conversation with. In fact- I want to have sex with almost none of them. And not every single man wants to have sex with me!

But I have been divorced for awhile now. And it does seem a little more complicated than I originally thought. (It turns out- that first man after the divorce I was texting with. He wanted to be more than friends. So our texting relationship came to an end…) So what the hell is going on? I can’t tell anymore. I have had several friendships in the last few years that eventually resulted in one of those awkward moments where you walk away feeling confused. Or if you mention this ‘male friend’ in passing to someone more than once, everyone assumes that it must be something more. They nod and smile in the most annoying ways. And then there is the dreaded text message that seems a little weird. You find yourself reading it out loud to one of your friends…repeatedly… just to see what they think. And that’s what happened recently.

“He used the word friendship and said I was a sensual woman in the same message…is that weird?”I ask my brother-in-law. I had just received some new messages from a friend and I was struggling with deciphering the intent. My brother-in-law is definitely not usually my ‘go-to’ expert, but I was desperate. And…all my girlfriends were currently unavailable. And…I was drinking wine. Maybe a male perspective wouldn’t hurt?! Plus-I could always run it by my girls later.

“Yes…it’s weird. He doesn’t want to be your friend.” Case closed apparently. He doesn’t seem interested in engaging in the ‘minimum of 20 minute’ discussion that my BDF (Best Divorced Friend) would give me. He doesn’t ask for the entire run down of every interaction we have ever had. He doesn’t care what shoes I was wearing when I met my male friend the first time. He doesn’t even ask the guys name! (And he probably knows I wouldn’t tell him anyway…) He is confident in his assessment of the situation with minimal information.

“Let me read it again.”I insist.”And this time take note of how he say’s he wants to have a female friend…” I don’t think my brother-in-law is really trying to see it from both sides. I already know what he thinks of male and female relationships. But he doesn’t know what it’s like to be single in your 40’s. He doesn’t know everything! So I find myself trying to convince him anyway. Or maybe I’m trying to convince myself. Can’t we just be friends?? I refuse to give up on that!

“You don’t need to read it again,”he interrupts.”I heard exactly what he was saying. The man typed the word sensual. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve used that word in a sentence. Let alone sent it in a message to one of my friends.”

“But he also used the word friends! Several times actually. Specifically- female friendship. That’s pretty clear!” I refuse to give up. “And did I tell you I was wearing boots the first time we talked? They are a very friendly shoe.” He rolls his eyes…

“Let me know how that works out for you…”He isn’t giving up either. Imagine that. We can’t agree.

The truth is…I would love to have a male friend. Especially a single one. I think it would be brilliant. I imagine some really great guy who is living the same life as me. As a divorced, single, working parent. Just waiting to be my friend. I think it could fill a big void in my life.  Having an honest male perspective from someone who isn’t related to me could be ground breaking in my ‘single working mom’ world. And in return I could offer him an honest female perspective. Without any ulterior motives. Just friendship. We would be each others secret weapons! Super-single friends to the rescue!

So I will keep hoping. I think the right single man is out there waiting to be found. To be my Best Male Friend (BMF)…

Plus- I really like men. Especially when I’m not married to them…👠

(PS…as for my friend who thinks I’m sensual. I’ll let you know how that one turns out. I still think it has potential. He may be the one…)

 

I didn’t meet their expectations…

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I was having a conversation with a new friend recently. Not face to face of course. It is 2016. But we were having a conversation no less… Through Facebook Messenger. The most non-threatening way to contact someone new. Especially for the over 40 crowd.

“You seem very well grounded and to be honest I didn’t expect that.” He wrote. “It is nice getting to know you.”

I have to be honest too. It’s not the first time I have heard this. I’m sure it won’t be the last. And I never know for sure how I should take it. How should one respond to such statements? What exactly does he mean anyway? Am I nicer? Smarter? Less bitchy? Taller? Am I better at inserting the best emoticon in ‘just’ the perfect place than the average girl? What is it?! Time after time people have told me that I am friendlier than they thought. How surprised they are by my sense of humor. That they are impressed at how hard  I work. I’m more ‘down to earth’ than they expected. But for whatever reason- I didn’t meet their expectations…

“That seems to be the number one thing people say about me.” I respond with a lol. “That I’m not what they expected…” It’s better to laugh than cry.

My whole life has been about meeting peoples ‘expectations.’ Just like everyone else I guess. And for someone like me who started life as a natural people ‘pleaser’…trying to meet others expectations can be rough. And right along with those expectations are the perceptions.

My family has money. Or at least that’s the perception. My X has money. And that’s the truth. So in the mind of many of the people I meet in my small town,  my co-workers, and even some of my friends… I’m one of those kind of women. And apparently,  people have low expectation of those kind of women. Sure, she’s a single working mother with three children-but she comes from ‘money’-so she has it made. At least that’s the perception. The expectation.

But my conversation goes on to get even better…

“I always perceived you as a frumpy pampered housewife. Mostly by hearsay…”He continues. (And I’m paraphrasing here.) “But the  look and attitude I have seen lately has been a pleasant surprise. My old perception of you has changed quite a bit…”

Wow. That was honest. And guess what? I’m not even mad about it. There is a truth to his statements. The only exception I would take is the ‘pampered’ part. Or maybe I should say- qualification. My X never pampered me. I wasn’t ever deserving of it in his eyes. But my family…that’s a different story. Since my divorce they have pampered my quite a bit.

As a woman I have changed a lot since my divorce. Thank God! Since I discover those first pair of heels and left behind that frumpy housewife I have done nothing but grow stronger. Work harder. Smile more. I have made it my mission to hold my head high and move forward with a purpose. I will never be able to shed completely peoples ‘ideas’ about who I am-or where I came from. But I have learned that by exceeding those ‘expectations’ on a day to day basis- I have become a more confident woman. A happier woman. I am twice the woman I even imagined I could be when I was twenty. Literally…

I am grateful for the freedom that my divorce has brought to me. And that is not a statement that I make lightly. It wasn’t something that I expected for myself. The relief that it would bring…  I am grateful that I am no longer married to someone who didn’t like me-let alone love me. I have found the opportunity to find myself. With the help of my family and friends (of course)…

So to my new friend. I am so glad that I am not what you expected. That I didn’t meet your expectations. I’m so fucking glad. I take great pride in it.

I am so much more than what you expect.👠

 

 

 

 

Again…

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Do you believe in second chances in relationships? I assume most people would say yes. I think I would say yes! About most things that have to do with a relationship… Everyone can make mistakes. I know I have made plenty. Everyone can get off track. Shit happens. Right?

But I find something absolutely fascinating. It’s something I have never given much thought about until recently. I mean I’d heard of these so-called ‘boomerang’ couples. But I never actually knew anyone who had done it. Until I was talking to a good friend at work that had. And I can’t lie, it surprised the shit out of me. She and her husband got divorced…and then they got remarried. He had another wife in between! She had other interests. But somehow in-spite of everything horrible that goes with a break-up. With a divorce. They found happiness with each other. Again.

Can you believe that? It seems crazy…doesn’t it? They had an ‘I do re-do!’ And this wasn’t just some random person I was hearing about. This was my friend. A smart, caring, funny, beautiful and loving woman. She’s a wonderful mother. She is someone who has her life together. Someone I admire as a professional-and as a friend. Someone who any man would be lucky to call his wife. And one man got to call her his wife…twice.

It makes me think back to one of my all time favorite love stories. The story of Carrie and Mr. Big. Yes, I’m talking about Sex and the City. The movie. No judgement people. Big left Carrie at the alter…and they still found their happy ending. Eventually. Through the hurt and pain and the time apart they found themselves and then found each other. With a new perspective.

Or how about one of my other all time favorite love stories. Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Pride and Prejudice. The movie of course… (The good one with Kierra Knightley.) They had to go through a whole lot of drama to find their happy ending. Elizabeth swore to hate Darcy-forever. But I guess what they say is true. There is a thin line between love and hate. They found their happily ever after. Eventually. And it was so romantic… Sigh.

Every romance novel I have ever read has that one part in the middle. Where the loving couple almost loses everything. Through misunderstandings, miscommunitcations, mistakes, and all the other ‘mis’ words you can think of. But if you can just keep reading until the end they will find their happily ever after. No one quits. The hero rally’s and declairs his undying love. He’s no coward!  He throws his pride out the window and wins his woman back. He shows up on his white horse and saves the day. And that’s the whole reason you are reading the damn book!

So is it really about second chances? Or is it about rediscovering that the love was always there. And then redefining it. Maybe with time and healing my friend and her husband were able to put aside their anger and pain and figure out what really mattered to them. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side…is it? Sometimes when you get across the street and look back you realize that your yard really doesn’t look that bad. You can’t even see the weeds from this angle…

Life is funny. Love is complicated. People change. Whatever works I guess. My friend found happiness…she just took the long route. Good for her. She taught me that coming out on the other side looks different for everyone.

And I’m teaching her about shoes…👠

 

 

ps…I think her X must be way nicer than mine. Actually…I’m positive he is. My X is an asshole.

 

 

Of course I love you…

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I have another question. And this one isn’t about sex. Not this time. It is about a relationship. Specifically, it is about one of my relationships. I was having a ‘discussion’ with someone important to me recently and I made this statement.

“Actions speak louder than words” I informed him passionately. It’s something I have always heard. And that I have always believed. I was confident in my statement.

“Words speak louder than actions” was his reply.

“Huh???” I don’t think so… What are you talking about? I have never seen that on a bumper sticker. But as the days have gone by I have thought about his statement more than once. Which is it? Who’s right? Who’s wrong?  Is there a right answer? So you know that I of course Googled it. And Google seemed to agree with me. There are many songs and poems written about it. They seem to agree with me. My friends all say that they agree with me. But I’m still trying to be opened minded. To see his side. Can it go both ways?

My experiences with ‘words only’ haven’t been that great I have to admit. Have you ever heard of a lie? I have. Words are easy. They can be a quick fix. ‘Of course I love you!’ A well placed I love you can heal a lot of things. Saying I love you is a crucial part of a successful relationship. It’s definitely something I want to hear. Need to hear. Something that I love to hear! But it’s also something that I don’t always believe… I’m sure that my X told me he loved me thousands of times over the course of our marriage. But guess what? He didn’t. (That’s why we are divorced…) We have all heard it before. Words are cheap. And that’s why they can’t always be trusted. People can easily manipulate you with words. Even when they don’t mean too… ‘I am your person.’ ‘I think you are beautiful.’ ‘You make me laugh.’ ‘I miss you.’ All these things are nice to hear. Important to hear! They can diffuse a fight and make the difference between a good and bad day.  But in my mind they don’t hold a candle to action.

Nothing makes me feel more loved than lying in bed with someone who unconsciously reaches over to touch you. Maybe even while they are sleeping. Just to make sure that you are still there. They are checking to see that you are okay. They want to feel you next to them. Hear you breathing.  Being held at night by someone who loves you can be one of the safest feelings in the world. It is an action that speaks volumes about how someone feels about you. How important you are to them. Or how about when you are sitting quietly at home with someone you love and you notice them staring at you-their expression filled with love. Even when you have no make-up on and your hair is a mess. What a beautiful thing. Those spontaneous and unrehearsed actions are priceless.

But what about what ‘he’ said. About the words. Does he have a point? Maybe for some people saying the words is difficult! I have heard stories from people who say that their mothers never actually said the words ‘I love you’ to them. That seems crazy to me! I assume that these mothers showed it through their actions. Let’s hope! But I bet those children longed to hear those three simple words from their mothers.

So is that the answer? Does it have to be a combination of both? Do we all just want what we don’t have? Or are we both right?? Maybe the most important thing is just making sure the person you love is getting what they need. Even when you don’t understand it. Maybe it’s about balance. It’s not just saying I value you…its about showing it as well.

Like all my questions…this one is complicated.

So I guess that leads me to another question. How do you guys feel about compromise??👠

Cinderella…and that damn Glass Slipper

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I recently tried watching the War of the Roses. Halfway through the movie I was so upset that I had to turn it off.  Does anyone remember that movie? It’s an old one. It stars Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Danny DeVito. It’s a dark comedy…about a vicious divorce. I remember being somewhat entertained by it years ago. It seemed so outrageous. In the movie the Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner characters are a married couple who from the outside would appear to have it all. But the resentment and anger were brewing under the surface like poison. And (spoiler alert) the anger, resentment and rage was so intense that they killed each other in the end. That’s right. The anger killed them.

And from where I sit right now I wonder if they didn’t have it easy. The anger during a break-up is consuming.  It’s like a fire in your blood. You are shocked and outraged. How could this happen? You don’t deserve this! No one deserves this. Screw him. What a SELFISH and despicable coward. He’s a weak excuse for a human being.  The anger is overwhelming.

But something worse quickly takes its place. Something much harder to endure than all that rage.  The pain and rejection you feel when someone you were in a longtime relationship with-someone you love- walks away…is brutal.  Devastating. I can’t even put into words how it makes you feel. It makes you feel empty inside and like you are being suffocated at the same time. Like your drowning. You bared your most personal self to someone that you think will be there for you forever. But instead they take a pass. You aren’t a priority. They’re busy. They don’t love you back. They don’t have time for you. You aren’t their person. And they lied when they said you were. They are going to find someone new. Or they already did find someone new? But regardless, they rejected you. And that rejection and pain are the real killers. But not quick and explosive like the anger. Slow and cruel like a terminal illness.

Rejection steals your self-esteem. Your confidence. It makes you wonder every single day why you weren’t enough. “What’s wrong with me?” you can’t help but ask yourself repeatedly.  It’s the question that haunts your dreams. It’s what you are thinking about when you wake up at 3am feeling like you can’t breathe. Why didn’t they want me? And why did they ever pretend at all? Didn’t they know that I loved them? No matter how many people tell you that it wasn’t you-it was them…you will never be able to fully believe it. “You will find somebody new! Someone better!” they say. Like it’s just that easy…  Rejection changes your ability to give love. To find love. It steals a very precious part of you away. Forever.

Finding a lifelong companion is still a secret dream of mine. “Where’s my white knight?” I ask myself stupidly.  I want that feeling of being loved unconditionally. Of being cherished. I want to feel what it must be like to have someone choose to put your happiness above their own. To have someone who can’t imagine life without me. I see it around me every single day. So it must be possible! At least I think it’s possible. Maybe I’m naive.  Or, as one of my best friends said to me last night, “I think we watched Cinderella to many times when we were little.” Yes. I guess we did.

Cinderella…you bitch. And that damn glass slipper.

Except for the sex part…

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When I decided to start blogging I only told a few of the people closest to me. I wanted to keep it on the down low.  I wasn’t writing for them. Or for my X. I was writing for me. And for people like me. The ones wearing divorce shoes. But those that I did talk to about it were very supportive.

“How cool!” they said. “It will be just like Sex and the City.”

“Umm…sure.” I hesitantly replied.  “Except for the sex part. And the city part. But I guess there is the shoe thing…”

When married people imagine your single life-I think they assume the sex part is great. You are a single adult-and why wouldn’t it be? And on that note, I have a couple of questions. Again. Just some things I’ve been thinking about. It’s totally not about me. Or my BDF (best divorced friend).  Really. I promise. It’s more of an ‘I’m just wondering’ question. And it is about sex.  I’m a 40ish year old woman. I’m supposed to be having the best sex of my life. I think. I heard that once and I guess it kind of stuck with me. It made me believe I still had time while I was married. It gave me hope.

If you aren’t having sex with someone you are dating… are you really dating? Or are you just friends? And I’m not talking about the mandatory time you wait before you start having sex with someone you just started seeing. If you even have one. (And for the record I know that is different for everyone. No judgment here.) What I’m asking is- if someone doesn’t want to have sex with you do they really even like you ‘that way’…or are you just friends? Are you a placeholder while they find someone else that they do want to have sex with? Is it that they are ‘just not that into you.’ (Literally…) And you are just ‘hanging out’?  Is this situation going anywhere? It’s so confusing. I mean are you going to find your soul mate in a person who isn’t attracted to you in a sexual way. With a man that doesn’t make intimacy (with you) a priority. Because guess what? I want intimacy. I think sex is pretty damn important. And I’m not the only woman who thinks so. At least I don’t think I am… That’s why I’m asking these questions!

Let me back track a little. Back to my marriage.  And my X. Obviously the sex wasn’t that great. I mean when we had sex it wasn’t terrible. But in my opinion we didn’t have enough. Every once in a while it was pretty good. But it definitely wasn’t ever mind blowing. Mainly- because it wasn’t a priority. For my X. And I was too embarrassed-or ashamed- to make it a priority for me.  For me that lack of intimacy represented rejection. It made me feel unattractive, unimportant and unloved.  All kinds of ‘un’s’. And with those ‘un’s’ my self-esteem plummeted. And my resentment grew.  Now-to make it worse- I know that it wasn’t that my X was too tired, or stressed, or unhappy to have sex. Because guess what? He was having sex. Just not with me! I was the only one missing out…

So maybe that’s my real concern now that I think about it. If they aren’t having sex with you are they having sex with someone else? Because I don’t think I could survive that again. Being someone’s second choice is too painful. (Or third or fourth choice… Depending on who you ask.)

Can you believe I’m a single divorced woman in my 40’s and still haven’t figured this shit out? I’m still worried about sex. And my numbers. (How many/how often). My gut tells me that if someone isn’t interested in you that way-its time to move on. But I don’t know… It’s so complicated! Maybe there is no ‘right’ answer.

But I just thought I would ask…

 

My number is…

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I’ve got another question. This one is kind of personal… It hit me this weekend. My BDF (best divorced friend) and I were out of town. She was kind enough to accompany me on a work trip. I was laying in bed and I couldn’t sleep. As usual. And for some reason I started thinking about my ‘number.’ You know…my sex number. How many people I have had sex with. And as I lay there I felt like I was surely forgetting someone. My number seemed small. Unimpressive. Outdated. Boring.

“What’s your number?”I blurted out. The room was dark and she was trying to sleep, but I didn’t care.

“What are you talking about…”she sighed.

“Your sex number.”Obviously!

“What are you talking about?”she repeats herself. You would think she would be getting used to me and my questions by now.

“How many people have you had sex with? Your number. Your sex number.”I explain. “I’ve been thinking about mine…and I think it’s too small. I feel like I must be forgetting someone…”

“What is the criteria?”she asks. She is always so literal.

“People you have had actual intercourse with.Penetration. Penis inside a vagina.” Come on now. It’s an obvious question.

“Are you going to blog about this?”she asks with suspicion. She’s on to me…

So I guess our numbers aren’t really the point. In my opinion we both have a pretty poor showing. We both got married young and were ‘good’ girls. You only had sex with someone you loved. Preferably someone you were going to marry.  We both said our ‘I do’s’ before booty calls, friends with benefits, and casual hook-ups were the norm. But guess what? My perspective has changed…again.  Now I’m wondering what I’ve missed! And I’m pretty sure I’ve missed something. Maybe something good…

Sex is such a sensitive subject. Especially for women. You can be quickly and harshly shamed by society if ‘they’ don’t like your number. You’re a slut if it’s to big…and prude if it’s to small. In my day-in my small town (I say like I’m 100 years old…) if you were a woman-you were supposed to try to keep your number as small as possible. But now that I am a divorced single woman…screw that! (Pun intended.)

I recently watched an old episode of Sex and the City (one of my all-time favorite binge watch while getting divorced shows…) when Miranda had to come up with her number. She had an STD…gulp. Her number was on the larger side. It blows mine out of the water. But I was fascinated! Is this what other women are doing? Having sex just for the fun of having sex? Sex just because if feels good? Without the promise of love or marriage? Without the fear of being called a slut! And this apparently isn’t news. This is an old show. This has obviously been going on for awhile. And I wasn’t paying attention. I was married!

Sex. And your number. It’s an important part of being a woman. It’s an important part of being a divorced woman. Sex is great. As long as the sex is great… But that part is a bit more complicated.

So how about another question. An easier one. How many pairs of shoes do you have? For me…that number is a little bigger.👠

 

 

 

 

 

Where do you think he got those little glasses?

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I’m going to make a confession here. A ridiculous one. It’s private (and a little embarrassing) so don’t tell anyone. Sorry mom. I’ve never got a dick pic. A penis picture. A dicture. A phallus photo…

I know..I know. ‘Are you crazy?’ you ask. ‘Dick pics are disgusting!’ And you are right! I assume… I will have to take your word for it.

But let me explain myself here. It’s not so much that I think I want to receive photos of penises. I don’t think it would ever make me think- I want to date this guy! I assume it would actually have the opposite effect. And in my limited experience penises aren’t that attractive. But it seems like a modern day dating right of passage. (However…when I tried to discuss this with my BDF she didn’t even know what I was talking about. And she didn’t appreciate the google images I tried to show her…)

“How do you spell dick pic? It’s for my blog…”

“What are you talking about? Use it in a sentence” she asks.

“I just did. How do you spell dick pic?” Duh.

“I have no idea what your talking about…”she replies in confusion.

“Look- here’s an example.” I show her my google image results helpfully.

“OMG-Stop it. I can’t eat now…” She isn’t laughing.

“Look-this guy put a little hat, sweater and glasses on his. Where do you think he got those little glasses? That’s pretty creative. OMG-this one is wearing a Donald Trump wig!!!” I can’t help but be impressed by the effort-however creepy it may be. But at least I’m not the only one who is left out of this whole dick pic thing.

I got married youngish. Back when you were supposed to be in a serious relationship with anyone you had sex with-and every relationship had the potential for marriage and family. Why else be in a relationship? I was a good girl! It was before cell phones and online dating. Friends with benefits hadn’t been invented. (Or if you did have one you definitely didn’t talk about it.) We didn’t have a home computer. When we took pictures you had to take them somewhere to get them developed. Technology wasn’t part of your dating life. Unless you count the real live home phone attached to the wall in the kitchen and if you were lucky an answering machine.

My marriage spit me out as a middle age woman with a smart phone and no idea what to expect as a single lady. I’ve never swiped right. I’m not on match.com. I don’t know how to sext. I’ve never thought about having a friend with benefits. I don’t know how to have a relationship without secretly thinking about marriage. And no one has ever sent me a dick pic.

I’m middle aged. Outdated. Old fashioned. While I was busy having babies and disappointing my X…things changed. And I didn’t get the memo. I missed it! So as if starting over isn’t hard enough-now you get to try it in an updated world. With selfies, snapchat, Tinder and Instagram. And guess what? I take terrible selfies.

However…I do take great pictures of shoes.👠

(****Disclaimer. This is not a solicitation for penis pictures. It is meant to be a humorous blog about modern dating practices that I have no experience with. Please don’t send me any dick pics. 🍆)

The Small Town Divorce

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There are many wonderful things about living in a small town. A sense of community. No traffic. Easy to find a parking space. You can drive anywhere in town in 10 minutes or less! People know you..

Which leads to the not so wonderful things about a small town divorce. People know you. They know your X. They’ve heard your story. They repeated your story. And they may not remember all of the details..but they remember the good stuff. The stuff that they can’t help mentioning when you pop up in their day. “You know her…her husband left her for that lawyer. I heard she totally lost it. So sad…” Every time they see you they will think of your ‘story’. You can count on that. And If you ever move forward enough to forget (which is probably very unlikely anyway)..you can count on them to remember.

In a small town you are guaranteed to run into your X. Usually at the most inconvenient times. When you aren’t wearing makeup and you are wearing your oldest pair of yoga pants for the second day in a row. When you are at the restaurant downtown trying to have a glass of wine with friends and just relax. At the bank. At Walmart. It’s a small town…you run into everyone at Walmart. And when you do have this run-in with your X…it sucks. It’s unpleasant. It’s awkward. It leaves me secretly hoping again that he would just move to fucking Alaska already.

You are also pretty much guaranteed a run in with the homewrecker. This is especially fun. You can count on running in to her on a day when you look like you have been run over by a truck. You are frazzled and busy and not even thinking about it…and boom. You are standing in the aisle at the Shoe Store and there she is. Buying boots. In your size. Perfect. I can’t even buy new shoes! It is literally the worst. I still have the overwhelming urge to pretend I have Tourettes and yell Slut. Loudly. I refrain..but barely. (Or maybe I did yell Slut..but I can’t really confirm or deny that story.) I secretly wish her the plague. I give her my bitchiest look. My defcon 5 laser vision burn in hell look. She looks away..

And for some reason people feel compelled to report to me about my X’s activities. Random facts. Completely irrelevant crap. And it still makes me cringe. This is what I mean when I say divorce is never done. We are linked together..not just to us. Not just to our kids. But to everyone in our small town. I don’t want to know that you saw my X drunk somewhere…or that he is a bad tipper. I don’t need to know you saw him at the football game. I don’t care if he was at a meeting you were at. It’s not my business if you think he is an asshole-I’m well aware of that fact already. I could care less about his mother. He left me. I consciously try not to think about him on a daily basis. I don’t need you to remind me.

So what’s a girl to do? It’s a small town divorce. Perfect your smile nod. Hold your head high and wear your cutest shoes. The good news with the current divorce rate..there will be someone new to talk about soon.

That reminds me..did you hear about Mr & Mrs Nextinline?