I recently tried watching the War of the Roses. Halfway through the movie I was so upset that I had to turn it off. Does anyone remember that movie? It’s an old one. It stars Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Danny DeVito. It’s a dark comedy…about a vicious divorce. I remember being somewhat entertained by it years ago. It seemed so outrageous. In the movie the Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner characters are a married couple who from the outside would appear to have it all. But the resentment and anger were brewing under the surface like poison. And (spoiler alert) the anger, resentment and rage was so intense that they killed each other in the end. That’s right. The anger killed them.
And from where I sit right now I wonder if they didn’t have it easy. The anger during a break-up is consuming. It’s like a fire in your blood. You are shocked and outraged. How could this happen? You don’t deserve this! No one deserves this. Screw him. What a SELFISH and despicable coward. He’s a weak excuse for a human being. The anger is overwhelming.
But something worse quickly takes its place. Something much harder to endure than all that rage. The pain and rejection you feel when someone you were in a longtime relationship with-someone you love- walks away…is brutal. Devastating. I can’t even put into words how it makes you feel. It makes you feel empty inside and like you are being suffocated at the same time. Like your drowning. You bared your most personal self to someone that you think will be there for you forever. But instead they take a pass. You aren’t a priority. They’re busy. They don’t love you back. They don’t have time for you. You aren’t their person. And they lied when they said you were. They are going to find someone new. Or they already did find someone new? But regardless, they rejected you. And that rejection and pain are the real killers. But not quick and explosive like the anger. Slow and cruel like a terminal illness.
Rejection steals your self-esteem. Your confidence. It makes you wonder every single day why you weren’t enough. “What’s wrong with me?” you can’t help but ask yourself repeatedly. It’s the question that haunts your dreams. It’s what you are thinking about when you wake up at 3am feeling like you can’t breathe. Why didn’t they want me? And why did they ever pretend at all? Didn’t they know that I loved them? No matter how many people tell you that it wasn’t you-it was them…you will never be able to fully believe it. “You will find somebody new! Someone better!” they say. Like it’s just that easy… Rejection changes your ability to give love. To find love. It steals a very precious part of you away. Forever.
Finding a lifelong companion is still a secret dream of mine. “Where’s my white knight?” I ask myself stupidly. I want that feeling of being loved unconditionally. Of being cherished. I want to feel what it must be like to have someone choose to put your happiness above their own. To have someone who can’t imagine life without me. I see it around me every single day. So it must be possible! At least I think it’s possible. Maybe I’m naive. Or, as one of my best friends said to me last night, “I think we watched Cinderella to many times when we were little.” Yes. I guess we did.
Cinderella…you bitch. And that damn glass slipper.
Divorce Shoes 