She smells rich…

“Remember when we were in St Louis and went out to dinner and we walked by that woman on the street with her husband..and you said she smells rich..”asked my BDF (bestdivorcedfriend)…

Me “Ya..”

My BDF “I wanna be like that..”

Me “Ya..me too”

We sigh in unison. “Sigh..”

I guess it’s pretty common. This need to be something else..something better. To have more. I always felt that my X found me lacking. Or was it just that I found myself lacking? Actually I’m pretty sure he did find me lacking. Obviously. But I believed him. And I always wanted to be one of those women. The ones that had it all together. The ones he respected. That would make him happy..

In my mind I think of them as rich. These are women who smell like expensive perfume. Everyday. They aren’t saving it for special occasions. They wear white-and they don’t spill anything on it. They have perfectly straightened hair. They have manicured nails and designer purses. They leave lipstick marks on their wine glasses. They are thin. Their houses are perfect and they have fresh flowers on the dining room table. Their children are wearing matching outfits and taking violin lessons. They pick them up from school wearing pastel sweater sets and pearl earrings. They are painstakingly polite.

I’m not that woman. In fact.. I might be the exact opposite of that person. I AM the exact opposite of that person. I mean I can pull off one or two things on that list at a time.. If I work at it. But not for long. And not consistently.

I’m more of a curly hair and lipstick on my teeth woman. My house is only clean when I’m expecting company. I wear baby lotion instead of perfume on a daily basis. (What can I say I like the way it smells.) I usually wear black and still manage to stain it. No one at my house plays the Violin. I say Fuck a lot.

When I look at ‘those’ women I am just as in awe as my X always was. How are they doing it? I mean seriously..how the hell do they do it?! I guess that’s why I think of them all as rich. Because they must have plenty of money to pay the maid and hairdresser and dry cleaners. And if they say they don’t have help- I’m calling bullshit.

So why are we..why am I..so enamored with that woman. Who seems to have it all together. I mean really- she is ruining it for the rest of us. Like Martha Stewart and Pinterest. They trick us into thinking it’s easy to be that perfect. And it’s not! It’s not..

So now I’m divorced. Able to be myself..and not have to apologize for it. And I still secretly admire these women?! Has it been so ingrained in me by my X..by my X’s family. By society. That I still want it? Even when I know it’s complete bullshit!

You see. Perfect doesn’t exist. And when you are in a relationship with someone who finds the appearances more important than anything else..you are doomed. Trying to fit into the perfect picture was exhausting. And impossible.

So I don’t smell rich. And I guess I will have to live with that..

Does anyone know what divorced smells like?