Screw forgiveness…

I have had countless people over the years tell me the importance of forgiveness.  As if the answer to making the pain of my divorce go away lies only with me. (Like Dorothy and her damn ruby slippers-you always had the power within…)  ‘The key to inner peace is forgiveness’ they say. ‘You can’t move forward without forgiveness.’ ‘Forgiveness is for you- not for them!’ Forgive…Forgive…Forgive. There are thousands of articles; inspirational quotes…even religions trying to convince me of this. My BDF is always suggesting it to me.

But I call bullshit. I don’t want to forgive my X. And I’m not going to. Why should I? So there!  What are you going to do to me now?? Is lightening going to strike?  Am I tempting fate? Angering the universe? Attracting negative experiences with my blatant refusal to forgive? Maybe… But I doubt it.  I think I will take my chances. Screw forgiveness.

You see- I think this constant pressure to forgive is just making people who have had something bad done to them feel worse. Not only have you had some kind of shitty life experience that apparently wasn’t your fault- but you better get over it quick. You need to forgive!! It’s your duty. Your responsibility.  What a bunch of crap! I don’t need that! I don’t believe everyone deserves forgiveness. In my opinion there are three minimum requirements for forgiveness…

1) The most obvious one is-drum roll please… The person has to be truly sorry for their actions. Like seriously down to the bottom of their soul- deeply sorry. So sorry that they never ever do it again. To anyone. “I’m sorry I had an affair it was a terrible thing to do. BTW I want a divorce and I’m marrying her…” “I’m sorry I treated you terribly the last few years. But you were coming between me and my mistress…” Uh…excuse me? That is not going to cut it. That is not an apology. Nope.  Move along. No forgiveness here.

2) Their behavior must change. No apologizing and getting up the next day and doing it all over again. Like Groundhog’s Day.  If they wake up the next day still an asshole…I’m not buying the snake oil apology that they are selling. Because it’s not real. It’s fake. It’s for them…not for me. It’s the ultimate scam in human behavior.

3) They must have no excuses. They accept total responsibility for their actions. No bullshit “I’m sorry- but I was so unhappy. You didn’t give me what I wanted. You were such a disappointment.” That’s not an apology. That’s an excuse. And not just any excuse-an excuse that makes this all my fault!  I absolutely hate the apology with a ‘but’ in it. Save your breath please. I don’t want to hear it. I have enough going on without your passive aggressive apology.

So what’s a girl who won’t forgive to do? Shall I just wither and die with my bitter withholding of ‘forgiveness…’ (Picture me here wringing my hands with a sad face…) Will the pain never be gone?  I don’t think so! I am still moving forward with my life. I still have happiness, joy, and laughter.  I am creating new memories to replace the old.  I cope. I drink wine and wear cute shoes.  But one thing I don’t do…is forgive my X. Or the home wrecker.

They don’t deserve it. Screw them. And screw forgiveness…