Tag: bitterness

Screw forgiveness…

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I have had countless people over the years tell me the importance of forgiveness.  As if the answer to making the pain of my divorce go away lies only with me. (Like Dorothy and her damn ruby slippers-you always had the power within…)  ‘The key to inner peace is forgiveness’ they say. ‘You can’t move forward without forgiveness.’ ‘Forgiveness is for you- not for them!’ Forgive…Forgive…Forgive. There are thousands of articles; inspirational quotes…even religions trying to convince me of this. My BDF is always suggesting it to me.

But I call bullshit. I don’t want to forgive my X. And I’m not going to. Why should I? So there!  What are you going to do to me now?? Is lightening going to strike?  Am I tempting fate? Angering the universe? Attracting negative experiences with my blatant refusal to forgive? Maybe… But I doubt it.  I think I will take my chances. Screw forgiveness.

You see- I think this constant pressure to forgive is just making people who have had something bad done to them feel worse. Not only have you had some kind of shitty life experience that apparently wasn’t your fault- but you better get over it quick. You need to forgive!! It’s your duty. Your responsibility.  What a bunch of crap! I don’t need that! I don’t believe everyone deserves forgiveness. In my opinion there are three minimum requirements for forgiveness…

1) The most obvious one is-drum roll please… The person has to be truly sorry for their actions. Like seriously down to the bottom of their soul- deeply sorry. So sorry that they never ever do it again. To anyone. “I’m sorry I had an affair it was a terrible thing to do. BTW I want a divorce and I’m marrying her…” “I’m sorry I treated you terribly the last few years. But you were coming between me and my mistress…” Uh…excuse me? That is not going to cut it. That is not an apology. Nope.  Move along. No forgiveness here.

2) Their behavior must change. No apologizing and getting up the next day and doing it all over again. Like Groundhog’s Day.  If they wake up the next day still an asshole…I’m not buying the snake oil apology that they are selling. Because it’s not real. It’s fake. It’s for them…not for me. It’s the ultimate scam in human behavior.

3) They must have no excuses. They accept total responsibility for their actions. No bullshit “I’m sorry- but I was so unhappy. You didn’t give me what I wanted. You were such a disappointment.” That’s not an apology. That’s an excuse. And not just any excuse-an excuse that makes this all my fault!  I absolutely hate the apology with a ‘but’ in it. Save your breath please. I don’t want to hear it. I have enough going on without your passive aggressive apology.

So what’s a girl who won’t forgive to do? Shall I just wither and die with my bitter withholding of ‘forgiveness…’ (Picture me here wringing my hands with a sad face…) Will the pain never be gone?  I don’t think so! I am still moving forward with my life. I still have happiness, joy, and laughter.  I am creating new memories to replace the old.  I cope. I drink wine and wear cute shoes.  But one thing I don’t do…is forgive my X. Or the home wrecker.

They don’t deserve it. Screw them. And screw forgiveness…

So who says bitter is bad?

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I think I might be bitter.

I mean not overtly bitter..people at work aren’t afraid to make eye contact or anything. Yet. But I have an edge. I admit it. I think it’s a common side effect of divorce. I know you are surprised. But you know what? I’M BITTER AND PROUD OF IT! I’ve earned it. It represents hard learned lessons of life..loss of naivety. It represents survival. Street smarts. Honesty. It says yes- yes I was rejected by my own husband and lived to tell about it. Yes I take out my own trash because I no longer have a man at my house to do it. Its a dose of reality. Like Monday mornings or a flat tire. Or a flat tire on a Monday morning. It’s my own little protective suit…like Iron Man. But it’s not Iron Man…it’s just me.

And why is a little bitterness a bad thing? Does it have to have such a negative connotation? It seems unfair.. The expectation put on us by society to forgive and forget is a bit much in my opinion. Like we are all supposed to be walking around exuding inner peace. Not everyone deserves to be forgiven. And I would be pretty stupid if I forgot. I actually googled this question. Why is bitterness bad? Google doesn’t seem to see a lot of good in bitterness (unless we are talking about bitter food..they apparently are all kinds of good for you. Remind me to pick up some bitter melon..yes that really exists). I mean Google just wanted to talk about how ‘Keep Calm and Bitter On’ may not be my best idea for a catch phrase. She was a complete buzzkill. But I think she is wrong.

I don’t think Google has been divorced…