Tag: single mom

Screw forgiveness…

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I have had countless people over the years tell me the importance of forgiveness.  As if the answer to making the pain of my divorce go away lies only with me. (Like Dorothy and her damn ruby slippers-you always had the power within…)  ‘The key to inner peace is forgiveness’ they say. ‘You can’t move forward without forgiveness.’ ‘Forgiveness is for you- not for them!’ Forgive…Forgive…Forgive. There are thousands of articles; inspirational quotes…even religions trying to convince me of this. My BDF is always suggesting it to me.

But I call bullshit. I don’t want to forgive my X. And I’m not going to. Why should I? So there!  What are you going to do to me now?? Is lightening going to strike?  Am I tempting fate? Angering the universe? Attracting negative experiences with my blatant refusal to forgive? Maybe… But I doubt it.  I think I will take my chances. Screw forgiveness.

You see- I think this constant pressure to forgive is just making people who have had something bad done to them feel worse. Not only have you had some kind of shitty life experience that apparently wasn’t your fault- but you better get over it quick. You need to forgive!! It’s your duty. Your responsibility.  What a bunch of crap! I don’t need that! I don’t believe everyone deserves forgiveness. In my opinion there are three minimum requirements for forgiveness…

1) The most obvious one is-drum roll please… The person has to be truly sorry for their actions. Like seriously down to the bottom of their soul- deeply sorry. So sorry that they never ever do it again. To anyone. “I’m sorry I had an affair it was a terrible thing to do. BTW I want a divorce and I’m marrying her…” “I’m sorry I treated you terribly the last few years. But you were coming between me and my mistress…” Uh…excuse me? That is not going to cut it. That is not an apology. Nope.  Move along. No forgiveness here.

2) Their behavior must change. No apologizing and getting up the next day and doing it all over again. Like Groundhog’s Day.  If they wake up the next day still an asshole…I’m not buying the snake oil apology that they are selling. Because it’s not real. It’s fake. It’s for them…not for me. It’s the ultimate scam in human behavior.

3) They must have no excuses. They accept total responsibility for their actions. No bullshit “I’m sorry- but I was so unhappy. You didn’t give me what I wanted. You were such a disappointment.” That’s not an apology. That’s an excuse. And not just any excuse-an excuse that makes this all my fault!  I absolutely hate the apology with a ‘but’ in it. Save your breath please. I don’t want to hear it. I have enough going on without your passive aggressive apology.

So what’s a girl who won’t forgive to do? Shall I just wither and die with my bitter withholding of ‘forgiveness…’ (Picture me here wringing my hands with a sad face…) Will the pain never be gone?  I don’t think so! I am still moving forward with my life. I still have happiness, joy, and laughter.  I am creating new memories to replace the old.  I cope. I drink wine and wear cute shoes.  But one thing I don’t do…is forgive my X. Or the home wrecker.

They don’t deserve it. Screw them. And screw forgiveness…

Tell her what she needs to hear…maybe.

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I have an old friend (old as in since High School friend…not as in elderly…even though we are over 40…) that is going through a tough time in her marriage. Tough time is really an understatement. It’s a shit show that I can’t even begin to understand. We haven’t been in touch much the last couple of years. But the bottom line is clear however-she and her husband don’t like each other. And their 2 kids are fully aware. If anyone every needed to get divorced it’s these two people. Yet- I know it’s not that easy.

She has called me recently reaching out for help. I know she needs what I needed not so long ago. Someone who has been through it. Someone who has walked in her shoes…  But I struggle with what to actually say to her. I can’t seem to say ‘you need to get a divorce.’ The words get stuck in my throat. Even as a divorced woman who is beginning to see the perks of not being in a shitty marriage- I hesitate.

Why? Why is it such a dilemma to me? It feels like a moral dilemma. You see- I don’t believe in divorce. (Ironic…I know…)That is why I went through mine kicking and screaming. Divorce is bad. Period. It’s never completely over. It has changed my children’s world drastically. I hate it. But- I am fully aware that a failing marriage isn’t fun either. For anyone. It steals your happiness, your self-esteem, and your energy. It steals your life. So what’s my hang up? I’ve been thinking about this for several days. Tell her to get her shit together and get divorced! Get a lawyer. Make a plan. Figure it out. It’s inevitable anyway. Tell her what she needs to hear!

Recommending divorce to anyone is a risky business. I don’t know their intimate details. What they think about when they lay down to go to sleep at night. There is no guarantee that it will work out for the better for them.  It might all blow up in their faces! Maybe hating each others guts is just a thing they do.  I just don’t know… I’m not them.

So I’ve come to a conclusion. Sort of.  About the reason I can’t say it. And it (of course) can be laid at the feet of my X. I can’t stand to say the words out loud because I don’t want him to be right. It would seem hypocritical of me to recommend divorce to anyone else…right? I don’t believe in it…right? I don’t want my X to think for one minute what he did was admirable.  I seem unable to separate my personal baggage from my opinions about divorce in general. It’s some complicated stuff…

It goes against my grain to say it-but sometimes the end comes so that you can find a new beginning. It isn’t easy. It’s incredibly difficult actually. Divorce isn’t a quick fix. And we can’t forget the kids-they are the ones paying the biggest price.  But…sometimes-you gotta throw in the towel and find a new life for yourself. I don’t know what that is yet for me. But I’m figuring it out.

But for my old friend. The one with the husband who hates her. I hope she finds some divorce shoes she likes. Because she’s going to need them…

Divorce is never done. Part 2.

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Day 3 of the hostage situation… I’m not being held hostage. Just my money. Or should I say my kids money?

I woke up with determination yesterday! My X had faxed a copy of the cancelled check to the county offices-so they had proof that they had indeed received and cashed my missing check. (That was a fun process. Asking him to do something is always so easy…) I was prepared to get to the bottom of this child support issue. Immediately. Quickly and rationally. I would get answers that made since. People would be understanding and helpful-because that’s their job. I was so hopeful back then. So naive…

I waited until 8:30 on the dot and called my county offices. A slightly friendly (definitely not overly friendly) woman answered the phone. I asked to speak to the ‘lady who knows about this stuff.’ She-of course-had not called me back to let me know if she had done anything about my situation.

“Hi. Can I speak to the lady who knows stuff?” I ask.

“She’s in a meeting.”

“Do you know when she will be available?” I inquire.

“No.”

“May I leave a message? I have been trying to get my situation resolved for several days now-and I haven’t heard back from her..” I explain.

“No. You will need to call back.”

Ok- let me stop here and not bore you with all the frustrating details. But I called my county offices three times and each time they told me they couldn’t take a message. WTF. You can’t take a message? Is that an option. No one told me that! If so I’ve been doing it all wrong. At my job everyone takes messages! Because…you know…it’s our job. On my third call I can’t take it anymore. My positive attitude was long gone.  In my mind everyone in the office either looks like Kim Davis or Roz from Monsters Inc. I’m no longer feeling rational.

“Is there a reason you can’t take a message?”

Long pause…… She actually seems surprised by my question. Like messages are some kind of foreign concept. “I guess I can write a note.” she concedes.

I did not receive a return phone call. Surprise. In her defense she did say write a note. Not deliver it. There was no guarantee of any action. So I make my fourth phone call. And in a show of mercy from the universe, the lady who knows something is there. She can take my call. And she has news.

“Well- we were able to locate your money. It was distributed to the wrong person. And as long as that person hasn’t cashed the check- we will be able to redistribute it to you. We think that they haven’t. If they had it would be bad! We would have to wait for them to return it…”she explains slowly.  “So we will issue you a check. But I’m not exactly sure how long that will take. Hopefully not to long… However maybe you should tell your X to make sure he’s writing the check correctly when he sends it. And that he has your case number on it.”

Now it’s my turn to issue the long pause…. Huh? What? Are you kidding? Why do I have to wait to see if some ‘person’ who thinks they just got a much needed bonus cashed a check or not?! This is your error people! Give me my money!

“So I don’t understand. I’m just supposed to wait?” I ask in confusion.

“Yes.”

Ok-warning- slight rant ahead. I think this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That is why everyone in the world hates dealing with ‘government’ agencies. This is why Donald Trump is winning. People are pissed. It’s why you need to drink a glass of wine to recover from your trip to the DMV. It’s why you might need therapy during tax season. It is impossible to speak to anyone who knows anything. ‘Policies’ rule the world… You will spend hours holding on the phone trying to speak to someone at almost any government office. It’s why schools get a bad rap and your blood pressure rises when just enter a post office.  There is no common sense! You know it won’t be easy…but you have no choice. It’s just the way it is. Period. It’s bureaucracy at its finest. And when you are a divorced single mom with no child support check this month-its beyond frustrating. It’s fucking ridiculous. 

So here’s where I stand. I haven’t got my money. The X really didn’t really have to be bothered with this. My eye is still twitching occasionally. I have no idea how long I have spent holding on the phone. I bought more ice cream… And I am still wearing my divorce shoes.

And I will be for awhile. Because divorce is never done.

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce is never done. (Part 1)

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One not so fun thing about a divorce WITH children is money. Which is ironic. Money was a major problem in my shitty marriage as well.  In my marriage specifically-money talked. Whoever makes the money rules the world, right? I didn’t rule the world. I was a stay at home mom. So what was his was his. And what was mine was his also.

Money problems are pretty universal. In all adult people.  But especially in the divorced. (Divorced couples obviously don’t like each other-so there’s no way they are going to agree on financial issues. Come on now…enough with the unrealistic expectations.) What divorced kid hasn’t asked his dad for something and heard the classic ‘That’s what I pay your mother child support for…’ response? So they trudge back to mom and ask again.  ‘As soon as your dad sends my check!’  I cringe even thinking about it…

But I have been lucky compared to many divorced single moms on one account. My X always pays his child support. He has never missed. Not once. Some months it’s a little later than others…but it always comes. Until this month. This month I am having my first go round with the system. And I can’t even blame my X. (Well…I blame him a little. The divorce and affair and all. Remember-every upsetting situation can be linked to the divorce in 3 steps or less. 1. Get divorced. 2. Don’t receive child support check. 3. Have to deal with state workers who make me want to rip out my own hair…)

But let me get back on track. As of last week I still hadn’t received my check for this month. I text my X. He replies that it has been sent. I wait 2 more days. I text him again. He replies that he checked with the bank and that the check in question has cleared his account. I check mailbox diligently. No check. I call the state department of social services family support division. I hold for 11 minutes and accidentally hang up when I’m checking my phone to see how long I have been holding. I call back. I hold 23 minutes. The hold music is horrendous. Like some of the worst. It’s designed to make you give up I think. They are testing you to see how bad you really need to talk with them.  I don’t give up and I finally get someone on the phone. A man with a monotone voice-who seems dead inside. He reports that no check has been received for this month and that I should open a case against my X.

“Are you sure?’’ I ask. “The X says he has a copy of the cancelled check.”

“I’m sure.” he replies. “I can’t help you. Call your county offices.”

I take a deep breath, and dutifully call my county offices. The good news is that someone answers the phone almost immediately! A very lovely lady, who has no idea how to help me. She takes a message for the lady who may be able to help me-but is of course in a meeting.

“But I don’t think we can help you.” she apologizes. “Unless you want to open a case. I think you should call the state back. They can help you.”

“Can the lady who knows something call me back?” I ask.

“Actually-no. Probably not.  You will need to call her back tomorrow… But I really think we can’t help you.” she repeats.

I sigh and text my BDF about my terrible, horrible, no good day and the injustices of my divorced life. I brace myself and call the X. Something I normally avoid at all costs. He is his regular condescending self. This is not his problem. He sent the check. It’s my problem. Etc. Etc. Etc. However- when I explain that the only answer I am getting so far is to open a case against him- he really gets irritated.

“I am just trying to get some help.”I explain.

“I will fax you a copy of the cancelled check.” Click. They man is obviously too busy to deal with this bullshit.

So I hang by the fax machine and wait for the evidence. It comes through. And in the tradition of all faxes it’s a shitty copy. Great. Perfect actually. But since I need the money…I dial the state again. I hold for 19 minutes before my daughter calls three times in a row so I know it must be something really serious.

‘Hello!!??’ I screech. ’What’s happened?!!’

‘When will you be home? Can I have a snack? Where is the ice cream?’ she asks.

‘I don’t know. I don’t care. Don’t call back unless something is on fire…’

I make my third phone call. It’s 4:20. I know my time is limited. I hold for 35 minutes. 35 minutes. 35 minutes in a row. It’s dangerously close to 5:00. I finally get someone on the phone. Another man who lacks job enthusiasm.  I quickly explain my entire story. Every little detail. The phone calls. The cancelled check. Everything. He is unimpressed.

“We can’t help you ma’am. You need to call your county and open a case.”

“The county told me to call you back! I have a copy of the cancelled check. Can’t I speak to the person who cashes checks?!” I’m desperate now. And to say I’m frustrated is an understatement. My right eye is beginning to twitch.

“No one here does that ma’am. I suggest you call the county and open a case against your X.”

So in retrospect- I could have taken off work and driven to the state capital in the same amount of time that I spent holding on the phone. I have a raging headache and still no answers. I am actually fantasizing about my X’s face if I did ‘just open a case against him’- just to cheer myself up.

And I am thinking of all those women who deal with this crap every single month. Asshole X’s who don’t even send the money. The bureaucracy that is supposed to help them. The hours spent worrying and fretting and trying to figure it out. While working. And taking care of kids. And all the other stuff it’s up to them alone to do…

My BDF is right about one thing. No one understands. They don’t get it. Unless they have stood in your shoes-your divorce shoes- while holding endlessly on the phone- waiting for answers-with a sick feeling in their  stomach…

Divorce is never done.

(Stay tuned for part 2. Will I get my money? Will the X get involved? Does my eye stop twitching?  How long will I hold on the phone? Are we out of ice cream? What shoes will I be wearing?)

 

What do you mean you don’t like cats?

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I have a new requirement for men in my life. If you don’t like cats-I don’t like you.

So let me set the stage. When I was growing up we had all kinds of animals. My mom loved them. And she passed that love on to me. We had horses, dogs, the occasional hamster, birds, and a fish tank I adored. And of course…cats. We had a barn that was like a beacon of hospitality for all the stray cats around.  I loved those cats. My family laughing predicted I would grow up to be a crazy cat lady. And that seemed like a great idea to me. I was on board! There was nothing more soothing to me than crawling up onto a bale of hay with a warm and furry friend on my lap. It was my happy place.

Fast-forward a few years. I’m married.  My X hates cats. He’s ‘allergic’. (Total bullshit btw. He once had allergy testing done that showed he was more allergic to dogs than cats. He was more allergic to beer than cats. He conveniently had no problems with dogs…or beer.) But I was totally okay with this at the time. Not everyone likes cats I tell myself. The cat I had during college had died unexpectedly from a lung infection. She would not be replaced. It’s for the best I tell myself. Less stress. I’m super busy trying to be the perfect wife and mother anyway. Sigh.

As you can imagine- I see it differently now. What do you mean you don’t like cats? What have cats ever done to you? And by the way…don’t you like me? Couldn’t you possibly love me more than you dislike cats? How is it possible to just decide you hate every single cat in the world?  Just because it’s a cat. Isn’t that racism?? Speciesism?? It wasn’t really about the cat. It was obviously about his needs being more important than mine. His desire to be in control. His belief that his opinion was the only opinion that mattered. He declared that he hated cats. So we should all respect his dislike. End of story.

Over the years cats occasionally showed up at our house. My X wasn’t prepared to deal with my children’s love for all animals. They loved cats! Just like me. That was a harder battle for him to fight-without feeling like the bad guy.  I remember when the kids where older-just about a year before my husband left- a cat showed up on our back deck in March. She was tiny, filthy, and obviously pregnant. She was desperate. I was instantly in love. My X rolled his eyes. I fixed a place for her in the small garage where we stored the tools. I set up a bed and brought down a heater. The kids and I spent hours down in that freezing cold garage holding that cat. We named her Stella. She had her kittens. My middle son begged to keep one for his upcoming birthday present. The X relented. We could keep the cat if it stayed outside. We found homes for the rest. But it really bothered the X’s allergies… He made me miserable about that cat. About every cat that had crossed my path during my marriage…

But an interesting sidebar to this story happened recently. My middle son was complaining bitterly about the homewreckers cats at his dad’s house. I was baffled. (You wouldn’t be wrong in assuming that I have a houseful of pets at this point..which includes cats.)

‘Why are you so upset?’ I asked him with confusion. ‘We have cats… You like cats!’

‘Because I remember mom…’ he said quietly. ‘I remember how it was at the old house. How he didn’t want you to have cats. Because of his allergies. It was all bullshit.’

‘You’re right.’ I agreed. ‘It was bullshit.’

Maybe the X didn’t hate cats. Maybe he just hated me. Maybe he loves her enough… Or maybe he has mellowed over time. I don’t really care.  The X left me. The cat didn’t. You can guess which one I like more. Meow.

My Momtourage…

 

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Nothing brings women together like being ‘moms.’ In a small town like mine you get to know your children’s friends. And more importantly-their mothers. These are the woman you see almost everyday of your mom life. They are in the morning drop off line, at PTO meetings, sporting events, band concerts, and of course Wal-mart. You are all kind of thrown together-whether you like it or not. And if you are as lucky as I have been- you will meet some of your best friends while waiting to pick up your angels from school. The only thing you may have in common is being moms. But believe it or not-that’s enough.

You are all pursuing the same goal. ‘Mother of the year.’ Until you quickly realize that goal isn’t going to happen. Sorry ladies. So now you settle for ‘Not late to school..today’ as a worthy accomplishment. Because..you know..being a mom is hard as shit. And sometimes it’s a day by day proposition. And frankly we all need support. And who better to lean on than the other moms. The ‘momtourage.’

Thank God for me my group doesn’t get caught up in tearing each other down. We build each other up. We became a team! These women are there when you need them. Picking up kids, helping with homework, dropping off dinner. (Helping you move after a messy divorce.) We have all kind of unofficially taken on a role. A way to contribute. Divide and conquer.

We of course have our ‘super organized mom.’ She is a Queen Bee to any mom group. This chic is on it. She knows things. Lots of things. She always has a list and a calendar on her person. Not at home on her desk. It’s with her. Always. She is who you call when you can’t remember what your forgetting. She is willing to be in charge so that she knows it will be done the way she has it envisioned. So it’s a win/win for everyone.

We have the religious mom. She prays for all of us. Some of us more than others I suspect..sigh. (Sorry and thanks.) This is a busy job. We usually all have some shit going on..and it’s nice to know someone has us covered. She takes her job seriously. Thank God. (Literally..)

Positive outlook mom. She reins in our bitchiness. Somedays that’s harder than others. I imagine nothing wears on her positive attitude more than a roomful of disgruntled mothers. But she perseveres! She redirects us like toddlers back to our happy place. We don’t even know what’s happening..and poof. All smiles again.

We have ‘head of the school carnival’ mom. (Which could also have the dual title as PTO president mom.) Give this lady a hug right now. And then bow down at her feet. Organize a parade in her honor. Never mind the parade…she’s in charge of the school carnival and needs some quiet. Buy her a bottle of wine instead. School carnivals are only fun if you are a kid. Not for the people planning them. This might be the most valuable mom in your group. Everyone make sure they are being extra nice to her. Seriously.

Stay at home mom, healthy mom, teacher mom, nurse mom, working mom, and tired mom. Hot mess mom is a revolving position. We all take a turn just to keep things interesting.. (Except maybe super organized mom. She keeps that shit off the calendar.)

And of course there is the ‘Divorced Single Mom.’ I guess you know who has that position.. In our group there is only one. Maybe that’s all they can handle. Divorced single mom might need the group more than any of the others. She definitely falls into the hot mess category most often. I think that’s inevitable.. Sigh. But the Momtourage has her back..and they helped her find her shoes. 👠

(Thanks ladies..)

 

 

No Fault Divorce?!

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The ‘no fault’ divorce. What is that? I don’t understand. How can divorce be no ones fault? I am still as confused today as the first time I heard this important tidbit. Missouri is a ‘no fault’ state my lawyer informed me. What?? Say it again real slow please… No fault you say? What a relief. No one has to feel bad. Its NO ONES FAULT.  Every one go back to your regularly scheduled program..nothing to see here. No one should feel wronged. It’s just a divorce.

They happen every day people! Your X has an affair-not relevant. He drinks to much-who really cares anyway. He’s an asshole- that’s his God given right. He never showed any interest in hands on parenting until exactly today at 8:03 am when he arrived at the Court House-the man is obviously busy.  He occasionally likes to smoke pot-it’s legal in 4 states anyway. He is a  practiced and skilled liar-who can blame him?  If he didn’t lie so well you might have found out about his affair sooner! He doesn’t like cats- why should he. Bad tipper- that will teach the waitress a lesson. But you know what he isn’t? Absolutely, positively is not? He isn’t at fault. No reason for him to loose any sleep. He has the right to get divorced and dismantle his family without the responsibility of being wrong. Thank you legal system for this gift to all who divorce. I really appreciate it.

But I have a radical thought here. What if.. What if it is someone’s fault? And that someone was made to be accountable. Would there be less divorce? I think it’s a valid question. What if there is a right and a wrong? A responsibility for your actions. Would that be an incentive to try a little harder? To be a better person. Maybe you would pay a little more attention at those marriage counseling appointments. But like always- that’s just my opinion..

Marriage is hard. Its a commitment! Preferably a lifelong commitment. No one is guaranteed constant happiness. And divorce has become an all too common option. You know..since it’s not my fault..I think I’ll just ditch this party all together, right? Maybe making no one take blame wasn’t our best idea ever..

I’m trying to think of another situation when things are no ones fault. Hmm… Besides illness and natural disasters.. I don’t think anyone is causing tornadoes around here. (And let’s not get into the Global Warming debate..) I’m talking strictly relationship stuff here. When things go wrong- it’s usually because someone is being an asshole.

It’s always someone’s fault! Maybe one person. Maybe both. You might take turns. It probably varies from day to day. But someone did something wrong.

So about that ‘no fault’ divorce. I call bullshit.. So I guess I better wear boots for that.

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The divorced President?

 

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So with all the press that the presidential candidates are getting…I haven’t heard much about something that is very interesting to me. Are any of them divorced? Do they know what it’s like to be a ‘Divorced American?’ Or even more specific a ‘Divorced American’ with kids? With the much reported on high divorce rate in the United States it seems like divorce is an ‘issue’ to be considered. And so far we have only had one divorced president. Ronald Reagan. The poster boy for all Republican hopefuls. (My X of course adored Ronald Reagan.) Ronnie was definitely divorced. He married Jane in 1940 and they had 3 children together before they divorced in 1949. He then married Nancy in 1952 and they had 2 children.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying divorce should keep you from being President. I’m divorced! And I’m a pretty smart and capable person. While I don’t think I want to be president-I sure as shit don’t want you to tell me I couldn’t be because of my divorce. But I might be somewhat judgmental of someone who was unfaithful during their marriage. It seems to me that if you can lie to the person you are married to that might be an indicator that you could lie to the American people as well. I mean you broke your marriage vows…you are a cheater. Possible red flag! But hey, that’s just my opinion.
So I did a little research. And by research I mean that I used my phone to look up the candidates for the 2016 Presidential election on Wikipedia. And I can’t say for sure who cheated. And we know that not all divorces are a result of infidelity. But I can say- with the help of Wikipedia- who is a member of the ‘divorce club.’ (*Disclaimer here- my research was done on my phone. Using Wikipedia. Hardly infallible.)
**Bernie Sanders- Democrat is 74 years old (oldest candidate). Bernie is definitely divorced! From his first wife Deborah in 1966. (That’s before I was born!) Then he went on to have a child ‘out of wedlock’ with his girlfriend Susan in 1969. Hey-it was the 60’s. But now he is married to Jane since 1988. Bernie has 1 biological child and 3 step children (that he considers his own-way to be a nice guy Bern!) He has 7 grandchildren.
*Hilary Clinton-Democrat age-68. Married to Bill since 1975. Bill as in President Bill Clinton. And we all know it hasn’t been perfect. But they stuck it out. So there is that… Hilary has 1 daughter- Chelsea of course- and one grandchild. (And I think another on the way- Congrats!)
**Donald Trump- Republican age- 69. So here we go.. Donald divorced his first wife Ivana in a very public and messy divorce in 1991. Think tabloids and lots of drama. It seems that Donald was having an affair with Marla Maples. He and Marla went ahead and got married in 1993. He divorced Marla in 1999. (Big surprise!) He married model Melania in 2005. The Donald has 5 children and 7 grandchildren.
*Marco Rubio- Republican age-44 (the baby of the group.)  He married Jeannette in 1998. They have 4 children. I assume they take a very nice Christmas Card photo.
*Ted Cruz- Republican age- 45.  Married Heidi in 2001. (Side note..I like the name Heidi..) They have 2 children.
*Ben Carson age-64. Married Candy in 1975. Has 3 sons and ‘several grandchildren’ per Wikipedia. Several apparently means more than 2…I think.
**John Kasich age- 63. John has been divorced! He divorced his first wife Mary Lee in 1980. He married Karen in 1997. He has 2 children (twins!). Twins are awesome!

So now we know that Bernie, the Donald and John are members of the divorce club.  I wonder what kind of shoes they wear?👠

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Have your cake and eat it too..

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Would it be ironic that I love Weddings? I guess the little girl in me that loved fairy tales and fancy dresses is still alive. You would have thought the divorce had killed her-but she is resilient. I love the idea of love. The flowers and dress and romance. The happily ever after. And let’s not forget the Wedding Cake! The cake is to die for…

I used to love to watch all the wedding shows. Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress were favorites of my daughter and I. As a married woman I found myself daydreaming about my husband and I renewing our vows. How romantic. Sigh. And apparently ridiculous… After the divorce I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room when my daughter watched them. It would make me pissed and sad at the same time. I mean who do these people think they are?!? Flaunting their love for the whole world to see. How rude!

Just watching other people’s weddings on TV made me feel like I had failed at something that is a normal milestone in most people’s lives. Like getting your drivers license, graduating from high school, going to college and turning 21. You grow up and get married.. Check that one off the list. Everyone’s doing it. I can do it…right? Well yes..I can get married. Staying that way is a different story. No marriage for me. No 25 year anniversary. Don’t even think about the 50th.

My BDF (best divorced friend) is sure she wants to remarry. I on the other hand… I can’t decide. It depends on the day and my mood. Like many things in my life I haven’t figured it out yet. Strangely enough- I had a stronger desire to remarry right after my divorce than I do now. I think I just wanted to prove that I could! I could have my cake and eat it too! Just like everyone else.

Now… I have a little more perspective. In the here and now not having a marriage seems okay. My marriage wasn’t good. And I don’t want to repeat that mistake. Holy shit..that thought alone could keep me single forever! There is a certain freedom in being the only adult in my house that I still need to explore. Remember those perks…

So I started watching the shows again. At first with the volume down. And I must admit that I still mute the sappy stuff. I never watch the vows. But I can tolerate watching other people’s joy..with minimal skepticism. I imagine my own children’s weddings now. Or my BDF’s. And I think about the joy that I wish for them.

When I am invited to a wedding- I am genuinely honored to be a part of their milestone. It gives me a bit of hope and a reason to drink wine and wear fancy shoes.

And I’m really looking forward to that Wedding Cake…

Tired anyone?

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Who needs sleep? One of the realities of being a divorced single mother…I can’t sleep. No sleep here. I know I’m not alone. Everyone is tired. Tired is the ‘new black’ I think. And everyone knows that the new black is slimming. I’m sorry I think I just dozed off a little. I forgot what I was saying… Anyway I can’t sleep. It’s like after being exhausted all day long and dreaming of rejuvenating sleep..I crawl into bed and boom. Wide awake. Not fucking tired. At. All. I mean I’ve got stuff to worry about. I am the only adult human being in my house. Me. It’s all my responsibility. The worrying is 100% my job. No tag team here. This is some serious shit. No back up available. All hands on deck…and still it’s just me. Mom. That’s it. Me with 3 kids. And 3 dogs. And the cats. And the hedgehogs and Guinea pigs..and the fish if they didn’t die. Shit. Did I feed the fish? I better get up and check.

Since I’m up I should check on the kids. Yes- you have to give me your cell phone it’s time for bed. Did you wash your face son? No the Guinea Pig can’t sleep in your bed! And if I’m up I better go to the bathroom again (I did mention I’m over 40 and gave birth to 3 children..my bladder is unreliable…)

Unlike my teenage children I want to go to sleep. I desire sleep. Sleep awesome …tired not so awesome. So after checking that the front door is locked..rechecking my alarm-twice..I’m ready to sleep. I’m determined. It’s 10:23. I calculate how much sleep I get if I go to sleep now…and now…how about now?

So I like to play this game to help me fall asleep. My ‘if I win the lottery game.’ If I win the lottery I will-fill in the blank here… It changes according to my day. Common themes include a full time maid..beach vacations..and quitting my job. Some variances include a pool…a convertible..plastic surgery…a wing at the Children’s Hospital. New shoes! Sometimes I’m learning French..other times I own my very own island. It’s working..I’m feeling relaxed. I’m going to sleep. Then Boom Baby!

What’s this? I didn’t when the Lottery…my X and the homewrecker won the lottery?!? Are you kidding! Somehow this shitty little thought wormed it’s way into my happy place. Now I’m genuinely worrying about this ridiculous little nightmare. I feel the potential sleep evaporate as I picture myself huddled alone while the dynamic duo of evil drink champagne and laugh and dance around with my children and their winning lottery ticket…

Wait did you hear that?!? Is something on the roof? Did I lock the front door? Did I set my alarm? Do I have an early meeting at work tomorrow? I need to pee…

I guess I better get up and check. I’m really not that tired anyway.