Category: Uncategorized

Where do you think he got those little glasses?

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I’m going to make a confession here. A ridiculous one. It’s private (and a little embarrassing) so don’t tell anyone. Sorry mom. I’ve never got a dick pic. A penis picture. A dicture. A phallus photo…

I know..I know. ‘Are you crazy?’ you ask. ‘Dick pics are disgusting!’ And you are right! I assume… I will have to take your word for it.

But let me explain myself here. It’s not so much that I think I want to receive photos of penises. I don’t think it would ever make me think- I want to date this guy! I assume it would actually have the opposite effect. And in my limited experience penises aren’t that attractive. But it seems like a modern day dating right of passage. (However…when I tried to discuss this with my BDF she didn’t even know what I was talking about. And she didn’t appreciate the google images I tried to show her…)

“How do you spell dick pic? It’s for my blog…”

“What are you talking about? Use it in a sentence” she asks.

“I just did. How do you spell dick pic?” Duh.

“I have no idea what your talking about…”she replies in confusion.

“Look- here’s an example.” I show her my google image results helpfully.

“OMG-Stop it. I can’t eat now…” She isn’t laughing.

“Look-this guy put a little hat, sweater and glasses on his. Where do you think he got those little glasses? That’s pretty creative. OMG-this one is wearing a Donald Trump wig!!!” I can’t help but be impressed by the effort-however creepy it may be. But at least I’m not the only one who is left out of this whole dick pic thing.

I got married youngish. Back when you were supposed to be in a serious relationship with anyone you had sex with-and every relationship had the potential for marriage and family. Why else be in a relationship? I was a good girl! It was before cell phones and online dating. Friends with benefits hadn’t been invented. (Or if you did have one you definitely didn’t talk about it.) We didn’t have a home computer. When we took pictures you had to take them somewhere to get them developed. Technology wasn’t part of your dating life. Unless you count the real live home phone attached to the wall in the kitchen and if you were lucky an answering machine.

My marriage spit me out as a middle age woman with a smart phone and no idea what to expect as a single lady. I’ve never swiped right. I’m not on match.com. I don’t know how to sext. I’ve never thought about having a friend with benefits. I don’t know how to have a relationship without secretly thinking about marriage. And no one has ever sent me a dick pic.

I’m middle aged. Outdated. Old fashioned. While I was busy having babies and disappointing my X…things changed. And I didn’t get the memo. I missed it! So as if starting over isn’t hard enough-now you get to try it in an updated world. With selfies, snapchat, Tinder and Instagram. And guess what? I take terrible selfies.

However…I do take great pictures of shoes.šŸ‘ 

(****Disclaimer. This is not a solicitation for penis pictures. It is meant to be a humorous blog about modern dating practices that I have no experience with. Please don’t send me any dick pics. šŸ†)

Divorced is divorced…

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Are you divorced? Because divorced is divorced. Right? I mean you found out about the affair, went through the break up, you showed up at the court house…it’s done. Over. Finished. But I’ve noticed something. Somedays I feel more divorced than others. Certain situations increase my divorced status from regular to extremely pathetic.

Let’s start with the #1 worst offender… The holidays. Specifically Thanksgiving through Easter. Christmas of course being the Ultimate of all holidays. And I’m not discounting Valentine’s Day. That was one of the first pieces of advice my BDF gave me.

“Listen…all holidays will suck. Just accept it. Avoid sappy commercials and set your expectations low,” she informed me.

“Ok…” I nod. Sniff sniff…muffled sob.

Holidays are forever changed. Especially as a parent. Think about it… What’s the best part of any holiday when you become a mom?! Experiencing it with your children. Seeing the joy on their faces. Creating traditions. Playing Santa. Being with extended families. Divorce fucks it all up. Now with that all encompassing parent plan looming…holidays are a year by year proposition. Everything hinges on the calendar. Not only for you and your kids- but for all of your family and friends. Your family is just as irritated as you that they have to worry about whether this is an even or odd year before making any plans. Is this the 1st or 3rd weekend? What bullshit. (And now that my kids are older I can tell you with 100% certainty that holidays accentuate their divorce status as well. And they aren’t happy about it. In fact- they are pissed.)

#2 on the list….illness or injury. Specifically-yours. I remember one of my first experiences with this one vividly. I had just moved into the new house after the divorce and the kids were at the X’s for the weekend. I couldn’t sleep and was going downstairs to switch a load of laundry over. And somehow…I tripped and fell down the stairs. It was an impressive fall. If it was a scene on a soap opera I would definitely have died. I mean…I fell all the way down the stairs. And did I mention there is a landing in between the top and bottom? But I kept on going. It hurt. It scared me. And as I laid at the bottom of the stairs catching my breath I had never felt more alone. If I had broke my neck no one would have known. I stayed there and cried for a long time. I had several bumps and bruises-but no one to show them to. I was divorced.

#3 Car trouble. This one is a bit embarrassing… But for me there is nothing like car trouble to make me feel single. I mean I know what to do. I am an adult. But adulting is hard. Especially by yourself. It pisses me off. In my marriage cars were the X’s department. So when I find myself sitting on the side of the road with a flat tire, or trying to decipher what the light on my dash means…I get mad all over again. My X didn’t hold up his end of the bargain! He’s helping the home wrecker with her car troubles…

My BDF had car trouble recently. And I could hear some very familiar emotions in her voice.

“Come get me. My car died.” She was pissed. Worried. And divorced.

“I’m on my way.” And I went immediately. Because I’m divorced too.

Mailing Christmas cards (or not), filing taxes, dealing with door to door salesmen, checking the basement for suspicious noises…they can make you feel alone. Because you know what? You’re divorced. And being divorced sucks. But remember your not necessarily alone. I’m right there with you. We are both wearing the same shoes.

And shoe shopping is something I always did alone anyway. I hope yours are as cute as mine…šŸ‘ 

Screw forgiveness…

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I have had countless people over the years tell me the importance of forgiveness.Ā  As if the answer to making the pain of my divorce go away lies only with me. (Like Dorothy and her damn ruby slippers-you always had the power within…)Ā  ā€˜The key to inner peace is forgivenessā€™ they say. ā€˜You canā€™t move forward without forgiveness.ā€™ ā€˜Forgiveness is for you- not for them!ā€™ Forgiveā€¦Forgiveā€¦Forgive. There are thousands of articles; inspirational quotesā€¦even religions trying to convince me of this. My BDF is always suggesting it to me.

But I call bullshit. I donā€™t want to forgive my X. And Iā€™m not going to. Why should I? So there!Ā  What are you going to do to me now?? Is lightening going to strike? Ā Am I tempting fate? Angering the universe? Attracting negative experiences with my blatant refusal to forgive? Maybeā€¦ But I doubt it.Ā  I think I will take my chances. Screw forgiveness.

You see- I think this constant pressure to forgive is just making people who have had something bad done to them feel worse. Not only have you had some kind of shitty life experience that apparently wasnā€™t your fault- but you better get over it quick. You need to forgive!! Itā€™s your duty. Your responsibility. Ā What a bunch of crap! I donā€™t need that! I donā€™t believe everyone deserves forgiveness. In my opinion there are three minimum requirements for forgivenessā€¦

1) The most obvious one is-drum roll please… The person has to be truly sorry for their actions. Like seriously down to the bottom of their soul- deeply sorry. So sorry that they never ever do it again. To anyone. ā€œIā€™m sorry I had an affair it was a terrible thing to do. BTW I want a divorce and Iā€™m marrying herā€¦ā€ ā€œIā€™m sorry I treated you terribly the last few years. But you were coming between me and my mistressā€¦ā€ Uhā€¦excuse me? That is not going to cut it. That is not an apology. Nope. Ā Move along. No forgiveness here.

2) Their behavior must change. No apologizing and getting up the next day and doing it all over again. Like Groundhogā€™s Day. Ā If they wake up the next day still an assholeā€¦Iā€™m not buying the snake oil apology that they are selling. Because itā€™s not real. Itā€™s fake. Itā€™s for themā€¦not for me. Itā€™s the ultimate scam in human behavior.

3) They must have no excuses. They accept total responsibility for their actions. No bullshit ā€œIā€™m sorry- but I was so unhappy. You didnā€™t give me what I wanted. You were such a disappointment.ā€ Thatā€™s not an apology. Thatā€™s an excuse. And not just any excuse-an excuse that makes this all my fault! Ā I absolutely hate the apology with a ā€˜butā€™ in it. Save your breath please. I donā€™t want to hear it. I have enough going on without your passive aggressive apology.

So whatā€™s a girl who wonā€™t forgive to do? Shall I just wither and die with my bitter withholding of ā€˜forgivenessā€¦ā€™ (Picture me here wringing my hands with a sad faceā€¦) Will the pain never be gone? Ā I donā€™t think so! I am still moving forward with my life. I still have happiness, joy, and laughter. Ā I am creating new memories to replace the old. Ā I cope. I drink wine and wear cute shoes. Ā But one thing I donā€™t doā€¦is forgive my X. Or the home wrecker.

They donā€™t deserve it. Screw them. And screw forgivenessā€¦

Tell her what she needs to hear…maybe.

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I have an old friend (old as in since High School friendā€¦not as in elderly…even though we are over 40ā€¦) that is going through a tough time in her marriage. Tough time is really an understatement. Itā€™s a shit show that I canā€™t even begin to understand. We havenā€™t been in touch much the last couple of years. But the bottom line is clear however-she and her husband don’t like each other. And their 2 kids are fully aware. If anyone every needed to get divorced itā€™s these two people. Yet- I know itā€™s not that easy.

She has called me recently reaching out for help. I know she needs what I needed not so long ago. Someone who has been through it. Someone who has walked in her shoesā€¦Ā  But I struggle with what to actually say to her. I canā€™t seem to say ā€˜you need to get a divorce.ā€™ The words get stuck in my throat. Even as a divorced woman who is beginning to see the perks of not being in a shitty marriage- I hesitate.

Why? Why is it such a dilemma to me? It feels like a moral dilemma. You see- I donā€™t believe in divorce. (Ironic…I knowā€¦)That is why I went through mine kicking and screaming. Divorce is bad. Period. Itā€™s never completely over. It has changed my childrenā€™s world drastically. I hate it. But- I am fully aware that a failing marriage isnā€™t fun either. For anyone. It steals your happiness, your self-esteem, and your energy. It steals your life. So whatā€™s my hang up? Iā€™ve been thinking about this for several days. Tell her to get her shit together and get divorced! Get a lawyer. Make a plan. Figure it out. Itā€™s inevitable anyway. Tell her what she needs to hear!

Recommending divorce to anyone is a risky business. I donā€™t know their intimate details. What they think about when they lay down to go to sleep at night. There is no guarantee that it will work out for the better for them.Ā  It might all blow up in their faces! Maybe hating each others guts is just a thing they do. Ā I just donā€™t knowā€¦ I’m not them.

So Iā€™ve come to a conclusion. Sort of.Ā  About the reason I canā€™t say it. And it (of course) can be laid at the feet of my X. I canā€™t stand to say the words out loud because I donā€™t want him to be right. It would seem hypocritical of me to recommend divorce to anyone elseā€¦right? I donā€™t believe in itā€¦right? I donā€™t want my X to think for one minute what he did was admirable.Ā  I seem unable to separate my personal baggage from my opinions about divorce in general. Itā€™s some complicated stuffā€¦

It goes against my grain to say it-but sometimes the end comes so that you can find a new beginning. It isnā€™t easy. Itā€™s incredibly difficult actually. Divorce isnā€™t a quick fix. And we canā€™t forget the kids-they are the ones paying the biggest price. Ā But…sometimes-you gotta throw in the towel and find a new life for yourself. I donā€™t know what that is yet for me. But Iā€™m figuring it out.

But for my old friend. The one with the husband who hates her. I hope she finds some divorce shoes she likes. Because sheā€™s going to need themā€¦

Divorce is never done. Part 2.

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Day 3 of the hostage situation… I’m not being held hostage. Just my money. Or should I say my kids money?

I woke up with determination yesterday! My X had faxed a copy of the cancelled check to the county offices-so they had proof that they had indeed received and cashed my missing check. (That was a fun process. Asking him to do something is always so easy…) I was prepared to get to the bottom of this child support issue. Immediately. Quickly and rationally. I would get answers that made since. People would be understanding and helpful-because that’s their job. I was so hopeful back then. So naive…

I waited until 8:30 on the dot and called my county offices. A slightly friendly (definitely not overly friendly) woman answered the phone. I asked to speak to the ‘lady who knows about this stuff.’ She-of course-had not called me back to let me know if she had done anything about my situation.

“Hi. Can I speak to the lady who knows stuff?” I ask.

“She’s in a meeting.”

“Do you know when she will be available?” I inquire.

“No.”

“May I leave a message? I have been trying to get my situation resolved for several days now-and I haven’t heard back from her..” I explain.

“No. You will need to call back.”

Ok- let me stop here and not bore you with all the frustrating details. But I called my county offices three times and each time they told me they couldn’t take a message. WTF. You can’t take a message? Is that an option. No one told me that! If so I’ve been doing it all wrong. At my job everyone takes messages! Because…you know…it’s our job. On my third call I can’t take it anymore. My positive attitude was long gone. Ā In my mind everyone in the office either looks like Kim Davis or Roz from Monsters Inc. I’m no longer feeling rational.

“Is there a reason you can’t take a message?”

Long pause…… She actually seems surprised by my question. Like messages are some kind of foreign concept. “I guess I can write a note.” she concedes.

I did not receive a return phone call. Surprise. In her defense she did say write a note. Not deliver it. There was no guarantee of any action. So I make my fourth phone call. And in a show of mercy from the universe, the lady who knows something is there. She can take my call. And she has news.

“Well- we were able to locate your money. It was distributed to the wrong person. And as long as that person hasn’t cashed the check- we will be able to redistribute it to you. We think that they haven’t. If they had it would be bad! We would have to wait for them to return it…”she explains slowly. Ā “So we will issue you a check. But I’m not exactly sure how long that will take. Hopefully not to long… However maybe you should tell your X to make sure he’s writing the check correctly when he sends it. And that he has your case number on it.”

Now it’s my turn to issue the long pause…. Huh? What? Are you kidding? Why do I have to wait to see if some ‘person’ who thinks they just got a much needed bonus cashed a check or not?! This is your error people! Give me my money!

“So I don’t understand. I’m just supposed to wait?” I ask in confusion.

“Yes.”

Ok-warning- slight rant ahead. I think this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That is why everyone in the world hates dealing with ‘government’ agencies. This is why Donald Trump is winning. People are pissed. It’s why you need to drink a glass of wine to recover from your trip to the DMV. It’s why you might need therapy during tax season. It is impossible to speak to anyone who knows anything. ‘Policies’ rule the world… You will spend hours holding on the phone trying to speak to someone at almost any government office. It’s why schools get a bad rap and your blood pressure rises when just enter a post office. Ā There is no common sense! You know it won’t be easy…but you have no choice. It’s just the way it is. Period. It’s bureaucracy at its finest. And when you are a divorced single mom with no child support check this month-its beyond frustrating. It’s fucking ridiculous.Ā 

So here’s where I stand. I haven’t got my money. The X really didn’t really have to be bothered with this. My eye is still twitching occasionally. I have no idea how long I have spent holding on the phone. I bought more ice cream… And I am still wearing my divorce shoes.

And I will be for awhile. Because divorce is never done.

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce is never done. (Part 1)

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One not so fun thing about a divorce WITH children is money. Which is ironic. Money was a major problem in my shitty marriage as well. Ā In my marriage specifically-money talked. Whoever makes the money rules the world, right? I didnā€™t rule the world. I was a stay at home mom. So what was his was his. And what was mine was his also.

Money problems are pretty universal. In all adult people.Ā  But especially in the divorced. (Divorced couples obviously donā€™t like each other-so thereā€™s no way they are going to agree on financial issues. Come on nowā€¦enough with the unrealistic expectations.) What divorced kid hasnā€™t asked his dad for something and heard the classic ā€˜Thatā€™s what I pay your mother child support forā€¦ā€™ response? So they trudge back to mom and ask again. Ā ā€˜As soon as your dad sends my check!ā€™ Ā I cringe even thinking about itā€¦

But I have been lucky compared to many divorced single moms on one account. My X always pays his child support. He has never missed. Not once. Some months itā€™s a little later than others…but it always comes. Until this month. This month I am having my first go round with the system. And I canā€™t even blame my X. (Well…I blame him a little. The divorce and affair and all. Remember-every upsetting situation can be linked to the divorce in 3 steps or less. 1. Get divorced. 2. Donā€™t receive child support check. 3. Have to deal with state workers who make me want to rip out my own hairā€¦)

But let me get back on track. As of last week I still hadnā€™t received my check for this month. I text my X. He replies that it has been sent. I wait 2 more days. I text him again. He replies that he checked with the bank and that the check in question has cleared his account. I check mailbox diligently. No check. I call the state department of social services family support division. I hold for 11 minutes and accidentally hang up when Iā€™m checking my phone to see how long I have been holding. I call back. I hold 23 minutes. The hold music is horrendous. Like some of the worst. Itā€™s designed to make you give up I think. They are testing you to see how bad you really need to talk with them. Ā I donā€™t give up and I finally get someone on the phone. A man with a monotone voice-who seems dead inside. He reports that no check has been received for this month and that I should open a case against my X.

“Are you sure?ā€™ā€™ I ask. ā€œThe X says he has a copy of the cancelled check.ā€

ā€œIā€™m sure.ā€ he replies. ā€œI canā€™t help you. Call your county offices.ā€

I take a deep breath, and dutifully call my county offices. The good news is that someone answers the phone almost immediately! A very lovely lady, who has no idea how to help me. She takes a message for the lady who may be able to help me-but is of course in a meeting.

ā€œBut I donā€™t think we can help you.ā€ she apologizes. ā€œUnless you want to open a case. I think you should call the state back. They can help you.ā€

ā€œCan the lady who knows something call me back?ā€ I ask.

ā€œActually-no. Probably not. Ā You will need to call her back tomorrow… But I really think we canā€™t help you.ā€ she repeats.

I sigh and text my BDF about my terrible, horrible, no good day and the injustices of my divorced life. I brace myself and call the X. Something I normally avoid at all costs. He is his regular condescending self. This is not his problem. He sent the check. Itā€™s my problem. Etc. Etc. Etc. However- when I explain that the only answer I am getting so far is to open a case against him- he really gets irritated.

ā€œI am just trying to get some help.”I explain.

ā€œI will fax you a copy of the cancelled check.ā€ Click. They man is obviously too busy to deal with this bullshit.

So I hang by the fax machine and wait for the evidence. It comes through. And in the tradition of all faxes itā€™s a shitty copy. Great. Perfect actually. But since I need the moneyā€¦I dial the state again. I hold for 19 minutes before my daughter calls three times in a row so I know it must be something really serious.

ā€˜Hello!!??ā€™ I screech. ā€™Whatā€™s happened?!!ā€™

ā€˜When will you be home? Can I have a snack? Where is the ice cream?ā€™ she asks.

ā€˜I donā€™t know. I donā€™t care. Donā€™t call back unless something is on fireā€¦ā€™

I make my third phone call. Itā€™s 4:20. I know my time is limited. I hold for 35 minutes. 35 minutes. 35 minutes in a row. Itā€™s dangerously close to 5:00. I finally get someone on the phone. Another man who lacks job enthusiasm.Ā  I quickly explain my entire story. Every little detail. The phone calls. The cancelled check. Everything. He is unimpressed.

ā€œWe canā€™t help you maā€™am. You need to call your county and open a case.ā€

ā€œThe county told me to call you back! I have a copy of the cancelled check. Canā€™t I speak to the person who cashes checks?!ā€ Iā€™m desperate now. And to say Iā€™m frustrated is an understatement. My right eye is beginning to twitch.

ā€œNo one here does that maā€™am. I suggest you call the county and open a case against your X.ā€

So in retrospect- I could have taken off work and driven to the state capital in the same amount of time that I spent holding on the phone. I have a raging headache and still no answers. I am actually fantasizing about my Xā€™s face if I did ā€˜just open a case against himā€™- just to cheer myself up.

And I am thinking of all those women who deal with this crap every single month. Asshole Xā€™s who donā€™t even send the money. The bureaucracy that is supposed to help them. The hours spent worrying and fretting and trying to figure it out. While working. And taking care of kids. And all the other stuff itā€™s up to them alone to doā€¦

My BDF is right about one thing. No one understands. They donā€™t get it. Unless they have stood in your shoes-your divorce shoes- while holding endlessly on the phone- waiting for answers-with a sick feeling in their Ā stomachā€¦

Divorce is never done.

(Stay tuned for part 2. Will I get my money? Will the X get involved? Does my eye stop twitching?Ā  How long will I hold on the phone? Are we out of ice cream? What shoes will I be wearing?)

 

What do you mean you don’t like cats?

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I have a new requirement for men in my life. If you donā€™t like cats-I donā€™t like you.

So let me set the stage. When I was growing up we had all kinds of animals. My mom loved them. And she passed that love on to me. We had horses, dogs, the occasional hamster, birds, and a fish tank I adored. And of courseā€¦cats. We had a barn that was like a beacon of hospitality for all the stray cats around. Ā I loved those cats. My family laughing predicted I would grow up to be a crazy cat lady. And that seemed like a great idea to me. I was on board! There was nothing more soothing to me than crawling up onto a bale of hay with a warm and furry friend on my lap. It was my happy place.

Fast-forward a few years. Iā€™m married.Ā  My X hates cats. Heā€™s ā€˜allergicā€™. (Total bullshit btw. He once had allergy testing done that showed he was more allergic to dogs than cats. He was more allergic to beer than cats. He conveniently had no problems with dogs…or beer.) But I was totally okay with this at the time. Not everyone likes cats I tell myself. The cat I had during college had died unexpectedly from a lung infection. She would not be replaced. Itā€™s for the best I tell myself. Less stress. Iā€™m super busy trying to be the perfect wife and mother anyway. Sigh.

As you can imagine- I see it differently now. What do you mean you donā€™t like cats? What have cats ever done to you? And by the wayā€¦donā€™t you like me? Couldnā€™t you possibly love me more than you dislike cats? How is it possible to just decide you hate every single cat in the world?Ā  Just because itā€™s a cat. Isnā€™t that racism?? Speciesism?? It wasnā€™t really about the cat. It was obviously about his needs being more important than mine. His desire to be in control. His belief that his opinion was the only opinion that mattered. He declared that he hated cats. So we should all respect his dislike. End of story.

Over the years cats occasionally showed up at our house. My X wasnā€™t prepared to deal with my childrenā€™s love for all animals. They loved cats! Just like me. That was a harder battle for him to fight-without feeling like the bad guy.Ā  I remember when the kids where older-just about a year before my husband left- a cat showed up on our back deck in March. She was tiny, filthy, and obviously pregnant. She was desperate. I was instantly in love. My X rolled his eyes. I fixed a place for her in the small garage where we stored the tools. I set up a bed and brought down a heater. The kids and I spent hours down in that freezing cold garage holding that cat. We named her Stella. She had her kittens. My middle son begged to keep one for his upcoming birthday present. The X relented. We could keep the cat if it stayed outside. We found homes for the rest. But it really bothered the Xā€™s allergiesā€¦ He made me miserable about that cat. About every cat that had crossed my path during my marriage…

But an interesting sidebar to this story happened recently. My middle son was complaining bitterly about the homewreckers cats at his dadā€™s house. I was baffled. (You wouldnā€™t be wrong in assuming that I have a houseful of pets at this point..which includes cats.)

ā€˜Why are you so upset?ā€™ I asked him with confusion. ā€˜We have catsā€¦ You like cats!ā€™

ā€˜Because I remember mom…ā€™ he said quietly. ā€˜I remember how it was at the old house. How he didnā€™t want you to have cats. Because of his allergies. It was all bullshit.ā€™

ā€˜Youā€™re right.ā€™ I agreed. ā€˜It was bullshit.ā€™

Maybe the X didnā€™t hate cats. Maybe he just hated me. Maybe he loves her enough… Or maybe he has mellowed over time. I donā€™t really care. Ā The X left me. The cat didnā€™t. You can guess which one I like more. Meow.

My Momtourage…

 

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Nothing brings women together like being ‘moms.’ In a small town like mine you get to know your children’s friends. And more importantly-their mothers. These are the woman you see almost everyday of your mom life. They are in the morning drop off line, at PTO meetings, sporting events, band concerts, and of course Wal-mart. You are all kind of thrown together-whether you like it or not. And if you are as lucky as I have been- you will meet some of your best friends while waiting to pick up your angels from school. The only thing you may have in common is being moms. But believe it or not-that’s enough.

You are all pursuing the same goal. ‘Mother of the year.’ Until you quickly realize that goal isn’t going to happen. Sorry ladies. So now you settle for ‘Not late to school..today’ as a worthy accomplishment. Because..you know..being a mom is hard as shit. And sometimes it’s a day by day proposition. And frankly we all need support. And who better to lean on than the other moms. The ‘momtourage.’

Thank God for me my group doesn’t get caught up in tearing each other down. We build each other up. We became a team! These women are there when you need them. Picking up kids, helping with homework, dropping off dinner. (Helping you move after a messy divorce.) We have all kind of unofficially taken on a role. A way to contribute. Divide and conquer.

We of course have our ‘super organized mom.’ She is a Queen Bee to any mom group. This chic is on it. She knows things. Lots of things. She always has a list and a calendar on her person. Not at home on her desk. It’s with her. Always. She is who you call when you can’t remember what your forgetting. She is willing to be in charge so that she knows it will be done the way she has it envisioned. So it’s a win/win for everyone.

We have the religious mom. She prays for all of us. Some of us more than others I suspect..sigh. (Sorry and thanks.) This is a busy job. We usually all have some shit going on..and it’s nice to know someone has us covered. She takes her job seriously. Thank God. (Literally..)

Positive outlook mom. She reins in our bitchiness. Somedays that’s harder than others. I imagine nothing wears on her positive attitude more than a roomful of disgruntled mothers. But she perseveres! She redirects us like toddlers back to our happy place. We don’t even know what’s happening..and poof. All smiles again.

We have ‘head of the school carnival’ mom. (Which could also have the dual title as PTO president mom.) Give this lady a hug right now. And then bow down at her feet. Organize a parade in her honor. Never mind the parade…she’s in charge of the school carnival and needs some quiet. Buy her a bottle of wine instead. School carnivals are only fun if you are a kid. Not for the people planning them. This might be the most valuable mom in your group. Everyone make sure they are being extra nice to her. Seriously.

Stay at home mom, healthy mom, teacher mom, nurse mom, working mom, and tired mom. Hot mess mom is a revolving position. We all take a turn just to keep things interesting.. (Except maybe super organized mom. She keeps that shit off the calendar.)

And of course there is the ‘Divorced Single Mom.’ I guess you know who has that position.. In our group there is only one. Maybe that’s all they can handle. Divorced single mom might need the group more than any of the others. She definitely falls into the hot mess category most often. I think that’s inevitable.. Sigh. But the Momtourage has her back..and they helped her find her shoes. šŸ‘ 

(Thanks ladies..)

 

 

No Fault Divorce?!

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The ‘no fault’ divorce. What is that? I don’t understand. How can divorce be no ones fault? I am still as confused today as the first time I heard this important tidbit. Missouri is a ‘no fault’ state my lawyer informed me. What?? Say it again real slow please… No fault you say? What a relief. No one has to feel bad. Its NO ONES FAULT.Ā  Every one go back to your regularly scheduled program..nothing to see here. No one should feel wronged. It’s just a divorce.

They happen every day people! Your X has an affair-not relevant. He drinks to much-who really cares anyway. He’s an asshole- that’s his God given right. He never showed any interest in hands on parenting until exactly today at 8:03 am when he arrived at the Court House-the man is obviously busy.Ā  He occasionally likes to smoke pot-it’s legal in 4 states anyway. He is aĀ  practiced and skilled liar-who can blame him?Ā  If he didn’t lie so well you might have found out about his affair sooner! He doesn’t like cats- why should he. Bad tipper- that will teach the waitress a lesson. But you know what he isn’t? Absolutely, positively is not? He isn’t at fault. No reason for him to loose any sleep. He has the right to get divorced and dismantle his family without the responsibility of being wrong. Thank you legal system for this gift to all who divorce. I really appreciate it.

But I have a radical thought here. What if.. What if it is someone’s fault? And that someone was made to be accountable. Would there be less divorce? I think it’s a valid question. What if there is a right and a wrong? A responsibility for your actions. Would that be an incentive to try a little harder? To be a better person. Maybe you would pay a little more attention at those marriage counseling appointments. But like always- that’s just my opinion..

Marriage is hard. Its a commitment! Preferably a lifelong commitment. No one is guaranteed constant happiness. And divorce has become an all too common option. You know..since it’s not my fault..I think I’ll just ditch this party all together, right? Maybe making no one take blame wasn’t our best idea ever..

I’m trying to think of another situation when things are no ones fault. Hmm… Besides illness and natural disasters.. I don’t think anyone is causing tornadoes around here. (And let’s not get into the Global Warming debate..) I’m talking strictly relationship stuff here. When things go wrong- it’s usually because someone is being an asshole.

It’s always someone’s fault! Maybe one person. Maybe both. You might take turns. It probably varies from day to day. But someone did something wrong.

So about that ‘no fault’ divorce. I call bullshit.. So I guess I better wear boots for that.

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The divorced President?

 

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So with all the press that the presidential candidates are gettingā€¦I havenā€™t heard much about something that is very interesting to me. Are any of them divorced? Do they know what itā€™s like to be a ā€˜Divorced American?ā€™ Or even more specific a ā€˜Divorced Americanā€™ with kids? With the much reported on high divorce rate in the United States it seems like divorce is an ā€˜issueā€™ to be considered. And so far we have only had one divorced president. Ronald Reagan. The poster boy for all Republican hopefuls. (My X of course adored Ronald Reagan.) Ronnie was definitely divorced. He married Jane in 1940 and they had 3 children together before they divorced in 1949. He then married Nancy in 1952 and they had 2 children.
Now donā€™t get me wrong. Iā€™m not saying divorce should keep you from being President. Iā€™m divorced! And I’m a pretty smart and capable person. While I donā€™t think I want to be president-I sure as shit donā€™t want you to tell me I couldnā€™t be because of my divorce. But I might be somewhat judgmental of someone who was unfaithful during their marriage. It seems to me that if you can lie to the person you are married to that might be an indicator that you could lie to the American people as well. I mean you broke your marriage vowsā€¦you are a cheater. Possible red flag! But hey, thatā€™s just my opinion.
So I did a little research. And by research I mean that I used my phone to look up the candidates for the 2016 Presidential election on Wikipedia. And I canā€™t say for sure who cheated. And we know that not all divorces are a result of infidelity. But I can say- with the help of Wikipedia- who is a member of the ā€˜divorce club.ā€™ (*Disclaimer here- my research was done on my phone. Using Wikipedia. Hardly infallible.)
**Bernie Sanders- Democrat is 74 years old (oldest candidate). Bernie is definitely divorced! From his first wife Deborah in 1966. (Thatā€™s before I was born!) Then he went on to have a child ā€˜out of wedlockā€™ with his girlfriend Susan in 1969. Hey-it was the 60ā€™s. But now he is married to Jane since 1988. Bernie has 1 biological child and 3 step children (that he considers his own-way to be a nice guy Bern!) He has 7 grandchildren.
*Hilary Clinton-Democrat age-68. Married to Bill since 1975. Bill as in President Bill Clinton. And we all know it hasnā€™t been perfect. But they stuck it out. So there is thatā€¦ Hilary has 1 daughter- Chelsea of course- and one grandchild. (And I think another on the way- Congrats!)
**Donald Trump- Republican age- 69. So here we go.. Donald divorced his first wife Ivana in a very public and messy divorce in 1991. Think tabloids and lots of drama. It seems that Donald was having an affair with Marla Maples. He and Marla went ahead and got married in 1993. He divorced Marla in 1999. (Big surprise!) He married model Melania in 2005. The Donald has 5 children and 7 grandchildren.
*Marco Rubio- Republican age-44 (the baby of the group.)Ā  He married Jeannette in 1998. They have 4 children. I assume they take a very nice Christmas Card photo.
*Ted Cruz- Republican age- 45.Ā  Married Heidi in 2001. (Side note..I like the name Heidi..) They have 2 children.
*Ben Carson age-64. Married Candy in 1975. Has 3 sons and ‘several grandchildren’ per Wikipedia. Several apparently means more than 2…I think.
**John Kasich age- 63. John has been divorced! He divorced his first wife Mary Lee in 1980. He married Karen in 1997. He has 2 children (twins!). Twins are awesome!

So now we know that Bernie, the Donald and John are members of the divorce club. Ā I wonder what kind of shoes they wear?šŸ‘ 

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