What do you mean you don’t like cats?

I have a new requirement for men in my life. If you don’t like cats-I don’t like you.

So let me set the stage. When I was growing up we had all kinds of animals. My mom loved them. And she passed that love on to me. We had horses, dogs, the occasional hamster, birds, and a fish tank I adored. And of course…cats. We had a barn that was like a beacon of hospitality for all the stray cats around.  I loved those cats. My family laughing predicted I would grow up to be a crazy cat lady. And that seemed like a great idea to me. I was on board! There was nothing more soothing to me than crawling up onto a bale of hay with a warm and furry friend on my lap. It was my happy place.

Fast-forward a few years. I’m married.  My X hates cats. He’s ‘allergic’. (Total bullshit btw. He once had allergy testing done that showed he was more allergic to dogs than cats. He was more allergic to beer than cats. He conveniently had no problems with dogs…or beer.) But I was totally okay with this at the time. Not everyone likes cats I tell myself. The cat I had during college had died unexpectedly from a lung infection. She would not be replaced. It’s for the best I tell myself. Less stress. I’m super busy trying to be the perfect wife and mother anyway. Sigh.

As you can imagine- I see it differently now. What do you mean you don’t like cats? What have cats ever done to you? And by the way…don’t you like me? Couldn’t you possibly love me more than you dislike cats? How is it possible to just decide you hate every single cat in the world?  Just because it’s a cat. Isn’t that racism?? Speciesism?? It wasn’t really about the cat. It was obviously about his needs being more important than mine. His desire to be in control. His belief that his opinion was the only opinion that mattered. He declared that he hated cats. So we should all respect his dislike. End of story.

Over the years cats occasionally showed up at our house. My X wasn’t prepared to deal with my children’s love for all animals. They loved cats! Just like me. That was a harder battle for him to fight-without feeling like the bad guy.  I remember when the kids where older-just about a year before my husband left- a cat showed up on our back deck in March. She was tiny, filthy, and obviously pregnant. She was desperate. I was instantly in love. My X rolled his eyes. I fixed a place for her in the small garage where we stored the tools. I set up a bed and brought down a heater. The kids and I spent hours down in that freezing cold garage holding that cat. We named her Stella. She had her kittens. My middle son begged to keep one for his upcoming birthday present. The X relented. We could keep the cat if it stayed outside. We found homes for the rest. But it really bothered the X’s allergies… He made me miserable about that cat. About every cat that had crossed my path during my marriage…

But an interesting sidebar to this story happened recently. My middle son was complaining bitterly about the homewreckers cats at his dad’s house. I was baffled. (You wouldn’t be wrong in assuming that I have a houseful of pets at this point..which includes cats.)

‘Why are you so upset?’ I asked him with confusion. ‘We have cats… You like cats!’

‘Because I remember mom…’ he said quietly. ‘I remember how it was at the old house. How he didn’t want you to have cats. Because of his allergies. It was all bullshit.’

‘You’re right.’ I agreed. ‘It was bullshit.’

Maybe the X didn’t hate cats. Maybe he just hated me. Maybe he loves her enough… Or maybe he has mellowed over time. I don’t really care.  The X left me. The cat didn’t. You can guess which one I like more. Meow.