After work recently I was laying on my bed ‘decompressing’ (aka watching Modern Family reruns by myself) when my cell phone rang.
“Hey mom…tell me some good things about myself.” It’s son #2. He’s in his room. Yes, we are those kinds of people. We call each other from our cell phones when we don’t want to get up. It’s much easier than screaming at the top of your lungs. Don’t judge.
“Why?” I ask curiously. I mean I’m his mom. I have tons of great things to say about him. But I’m just wondering why he is asking.
“It’s for an autobiography project at school. And I can’t think of any,” he explains.
I immediately begin to list a litany of awesome things about him. But I can’t help but worry a little. He is a wonderful kid! Smart, funny, loving, loyal, compassionate… He gives the best hugs on the planet! There are a million positive things I can say about him. That anyone could say about him. And he can’t think of one nice thing to say about himself? It makes me sad. Is this human nature? Or did he get this from me…
I struggle with the same problem. It seems hard to find something nice to say about myself. I appreciate all the compliments that people give. I know my children and family love me. But I have to admit I don’t always really believe it. In fact when I’m lying in bed alone at night trying to fall asleep…those compliments are nowhere to be found. Instead I am thinking about all the reasons that I am not ‘enough.’ I can come up with a ton of things I need to work on. Things that people have told me that they don’t like about me. And there are two ways people can let you know that you aren’t up to their standards. They either have the balls to tell you directly or (probably more likely) they let you know through their actions. And one of the most hurtful actions is when someone you love, who you thought loved you too… quits on you. Rejection like that is pretty hard to overcome. And divorce feels like the ultimate failure.
In my adult life, I’m sad to say, the rejections I have faced have shaped my self-esteem more than anything else. And I know rationally that I shouldn’t let it. That I should focus on the positives. I should judge myself from my success as a mother, as a friend, as a person. But that is easier said than done. I get lots of hugs from my kids and positive affirmations from my friends, and even my coworkers treat me with respect. But deep down inside I can’t seem to change how I feel about myself. My self-talk is brutal…
And I know better. “No negative self-talk!” I tell my kids. I tell my friends and family the same thing. I hate hearing someone I care about not giving themselves the credit they deserve. I hate seeing the people I love judging themselves through someone else’s eyes. Through someone else’s expectations. But I’m the ultimate hypocrite when I say it. I continue to see myself through the eyes of my X. Through the eyes of all the people who have quit on me. Who rejected me. To them I wasn’t even important enough or valued enough to put in the effort to stay.
So in honor of my son I’m going to try something new. I’m not going to focus on what is wrong with me. I’m going to focus on what is right. I’m going to repeat it over and over and over again. Until I believe it. My BDF (best divorced friend) texted me recently and said ‘We are good people. We deserve love. We deserve appreciation. We deserve loyalty. We deserve better! We will be okay.’
And she’s right. We deserve better. So screw the negative self-talk! Besides…I doubt if any of my X’s (or my BDF’s X’s) are lying awake at night worrying about what kind of people they are. I bet they are sleeping just fine. And I’ll be damned if we let them win again…
***I am smart. I am loved. I am kind. I am loyal. I am funny. I am caring. I am compassionate. I am capable of unconditional love. I am valuable. I have never quit on someone who loves me. And I have great shoes.👠 I am enough…
Divorce Shoes 