My #2 son is a huge super-hero fan. He and his friends are total comic book nerds. (Which in my opinion makes them some of the coolest people in the entire world…) They have spent endless time discussing who their favorite heroes are, analyzing which are the best super powers, debating Marvel vs. DC, attending Comic Con, and judging which super hero movies are the best of the best. The list goes on and on. He has always had a fascination with super powers. I can picture him clearly playing for hours with his brother and cousin on the trampoline in the backyard of our old house when he was little. Each one of them would choose a super power and ‘battle’ for an entire afternoon. And it would always lead to the inevitable question from him, ‘Mom what do you want your super power to be?’
What do I want my super power to be? I have some idea’s. I haven’t analyzed it like #2, but I have some thoughts. I would like to be like Elastigirl from the Incredibles. Having a body that always bounces back seems pretty awesome. What woman doesn’t want that? She doesn’t have to worry about stretch marks. Super speed seems pretty enticing as well. Getting all my shit done in a blink of an eye would be fantastic. And sometimes… I already feel like I am invisible. But not in the good ‘super power’ way. More like the ‘I feel like people (men) can easily overlook me…and my needs’ way. And that is something I need to work on. That kind of invisible is no fun.
I think I have a hard time putting my own needs first. I definitely have a hard time asking for attention. I seem to clam up instead. Which in the end makes me resentful and angry. But asking for attention is hard! And I guess I’m not sure that I should… As a woman and mother we are conditioned to put other people first. And they don’t have to ask! It actually feels natural to me. I think it is natural for a lot of people. Nice people. Mom people. Loving people. And truthfully-I think the only thing that makes that wrong is when those same ‘people’ aren’t willing to do the same for you. That is when you start to feel invisible. When I wake up in the morning before my feet even hit the floor I have thought about all those people closest to me and what they need. What are they doing today? What do they need from me? I am checking off a mental list of what my ‘people’ need in my head. Even if all I do is worry about what they are facing-I’m always thinking about whatever their challenge is. They are always on my mind. I’m thinking positive thoughts. Saying silent prayers. I feel vested in my ‘people’…and their problems. And I am always so proud of their successes! I am their #1 fan. I love them.
But I have noticed something about some men. Or specifically the men I have chosen to be a part of my life. Like my X.(And I know that there are other ones out there. I know that this can’t be about ‘all’ men. At least I think it can’t. Please please please…) The men that I so brilliantly chose to be part of my life had a different super power. They are able to wake up in the morning and just think about their needs. That’s it. They are looking out for themselves. And everyone else comes second. That is what comes natural to them. Their number one priority is them. It’s that simple. And this amazes me. Their super power is selfishness. And that is just such a foreign concept to me! You are only worried about you…until your list is crossed off. And then you might eventually worry about me if it fits into your schedule? And the kids? I’m not sure how to respond to this. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
And please don’t tell me the airplane scenario here. You know the one. About if the plane is going down put on your oxygen mask first. Put yourself first. That’s a pretty fucking unique situation. Yes we all have situations when we need to put our needs first. But not every time. Not every day. There has to be balance! If you put yourself first every single time- you are selfish. It’s not always about your day at work. Your litany of problems. What your friends are doing. Not everyone cares about your Wednesday night card game with the guys. Or your intense love of duck hunting. Life is about balancing your needs equally with the needs of the people you love. It can’t always be about you! Because if it is- it makes the other people in your life feel invisible.
And invisible is something I don’t want to be ever again. It makes me feel like I have no value. It makes me feel resentful. It makes me angry. It makes me unhappy. I will from now on be a better advocate for myself! (I hope). I will chose people who can put other peoples needs first. I will do better. I don’t want to be invisible!
Not to mention…when I’m invisible, you can’t see my shoes…👠
Divorce Shoes 