Tag: divorce lawyer

Tell her what she needs to hear…maybe.

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I have an old friend (old as in since High School friend…not as in elderly…even though we are over 40…) that is going through a tough time in her marriage. Tough time is really an understatement. It’s a shit show that I can’t even begin to understand. We haven’t been in touch much the last couple of years. But the bottom line is clear however-she and her husband don’t like each other. And their 2 kids are fully aware. If anyone every needed to get divorced it’s these two people. Yet- I know it’s not that easy.

She has called me recently reaching out for help. I know she needs what I needed not so long ago. Someone who has been through it. Someone who has walked in her shoes…  But I struggle with what to actually say to her. I can’t seem to say ‘you need to get a divorce.’ The words get stuck in my throat. Even as a divorced woman who is beginning to see the perks of not being in a shitty marriage- I hesitate.

Why? Why is it such a dilemma to me? It feels like a moral dilemma. You see- I don’t believe in divorce. (Ironic…I know…)That is why I went through mine kicking and screaming. Divorce is bad. Period. It’s never completely over. It has changed my children’s world drastically. I hate it. But- I am fully aware that a failing marriage isn’t fun either. For anyone. It steals your happiness, your self-esteem, and your energy. It steals your life. So what’s my hang up? I’ve been thinking about this for several days. Tell her to get her shit together and get divorced! Get a lawyer. Make a plan. Figure it out. It’s inevitable anyway. Tell her what she needs to hear!

Recommending divorce to anyone is a risky business. I don’t know their intimate details. What they think about when they lay down to go to sleep at night. There is no guarantee that it will work out for the better for them.  It might all blow up in their faces! Maybe hating each others guts is just a thing they do.  I just don’t know… I’m not them.

So I’ve come to a conclusion. Sort of.  About the reason I can’t say it. And it (of course) can be laid at the feet of my X. I can’t stand to say the words out loud because I don’t want him to be right. It would seem hypocritical of me to recommend divorce to anyone else…right? I don’t believe in it…right? I don’t want my X to think for one minute what he did was admirable.  I seem unable to separate my personal baggage from my opinions about divorce in general. It’s some complicated stuff…

It goes against my grain to say it-but sometimes the end comes so that you can find a new beginning. It isn’t easy. It’s incredibly difficult actually. Divorce isn’t a quick fix. And we can’t forget the kids-they are the ones paying the biggest price.  But…sometimes-you gotta throw in the towel and find a new life for yourself. I don’t know what that is yet for me. But I’m figuring it out.

But for my old friend. The one with the husband who hates her. I hope she finds some divorce shoes she likes. Because she’s going to need them…

Divorce is never done. Part 2.

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Day 3 of the hostage situation… I’m not being held hostage. Just my money. Or should I say my kids money?

I woke up with determination yesterday! My X had faxed a copy of the cancelled check to the county offices-so they had proof that they had indeed received and cashed my missing check. (That was a fun process. Asking him to do something is always so easy…) I was prepared to get to the bottom of this child support issue. Immediately. Quickly and rationally. I would get answers that made since. People would be understanding and helpful-because that’s their job. I was so hopeful back then. So naive…

I waited until 8:30 on the dot and called my county offices. A slightly friendly (definitely not overly friendly) woman answered the phone. I asked to speak to the ‘lady who knows about this stuff.’ She-of course-had not called me back to let me know if she had done anything about my situation.

“Hi. Can I speak to the lady who knows stuff?” I ask.

“She’s in a meeting.”

“Do you know when she will be available?” I inquire.

“No.”

“May I leave a message? I have been trying to get my situation resolved for several days now-and I haven’t heard back from her..” I explain.

“No. You will need to call back.”

Ok- let me stop here and not bore you with all the frustrating details. But I called my county offices three times and each time they told me they couldn’t take a message. WTF. You can’t take a message? Is that an option. No one told me that! If so I’ve been doing it all wrong. At my job everyone takes messages! Because…you know…it’s our job. On my third call I can’t take it anymore. My positive attitude was long gone.  In my mind everyone in the office either looks like Kim Davis or Roz from Monsters Inc. I’m no longer feeling rational.

“Is there a reason you can’t take a message?”

Long pause…… She actually seems surprised by my question. Like messages are some kind of foreign concept. “I guess I can write a note.” she concedes.

I did not receive a return phone call. Surprise. In her defense she did say write a note. Not deliver it. There was no guarantee of any action. So I make my fourth phone call. And in a show of mercy from the universe, the lady who knows something is there. She can take my call. And she has news.

“Well- we were able to locate your money. It was distributed to the wrong person. And as long as that person hasn’t cashed the check- we will be able to redistribute it to you. We think that they haven’t. If they had it would be bad! We would have to wait for them to return it…”she explains slowly.  “So we will issue you a check. But I’m not exactly sure how long that will take. Hopefully not to long… However maybe you should tell your X to make sure he’s writing the check correctly when he sends it. And that he has your case number on it.”

Now it’s my turn to issue the long pause…. Huh? What? Are you kidding? Why do I have to wait to see if some ‘person’ who thinks they just got a much needed bonus cashed a check or not?! This is your error people! Give me my money!

“So I don’t understand. I’m just supposed to wait?” I ask in confusion.

“Yes.”

Ok-warning- slight rant ahead. I think this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That is why everyone in the world hates dealing with ‘government’ agencies. This is why Donald Trump is winning. People are pissed. It’s why you need to drink a glass of wine to recover from your trip to the DMV. It’s why you might need therapy during tax season. It is impossible to speak to anyone who knows anything. ‘Policies’ rule the world… You will spend hours holding on the phone trying to speak to someone at almost any government office. It’s why schools get a bad rap and your blood pressure rises when just enter a post office.  There is no common sense! You know it won’t be easy…but you have no choice. It’s just the way it is. Period. It’s bureaucracy at its finest. And when you are a divorced single mom with no child support check this month-its beyond frustrating. It’s fucking ridiculous. 

So here’s where I stand. I haven’t got my money. The X really didn’t really have to be bothered with this. My eye is still twitching occasionally. I have no idea how long I have spent holding on the phone. I bought more ice cream… And I am still wearing my divorce shoes.

And I will be for awhile. Because divorce is never done.

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce is never done. (Part 1)

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One not so fun thing about a divorce WITH children is money. Which is ironic. Money was a major problem in my shitty marriage as well.  In my marriage specifically-money talked. Whoever makes the money rules the world, right? I didn’t rule the world. I was a stay at home mom. So what was his was his. And what was mine was his also.

Money problems are pretty universal. In all adult people.  But especially in the divorced. (Divorced couples obviously don’t like each other-so there’s no way they are going to agree on financial issues. Come on now…enough with the unrealistic expectations.) What divorced kid hasn’t asked his dad for something and heard the classic ‘That’s what I pay your mother child support for…’ response? So they trudge back to mom and ask again.  ‘As soon as your dad sends my check!’  I cringe even thinking about it…

But I have been lucky compared to many divorced single moms on one account. My X always pays his child support. He has never missed. Not once. Some months it’s a little later than others…but it always comes. Until this month. This month I am having my first go round with the system. And I can’t even blame my X. (Well…I blame him a little. The divorce and affair and all. Remember-every upsetting situation can be linked to the divorce in 3 steps or less. 1. Get divorced. 2. Don’t receive child support check. 3. Have to deal with state workers who make me want to rip out my own hair…)

But let me get back on track. As of last week I still hadn’t received my check for this month. I text my X. He replies that it has been sent. I wait 2 more days. I text him again. He replies that he checked with the bank and that the check in question has cleared his account. I check mailbox diligently. No check. I call the state department of social services family support division. I hold for 11 minutes and accidentally hang up when I’m checking my phone to see how long I have been holding. I call back. I hold 23 minutes. The hold music is horrendous. Like some of the worst. It’s designed to make you give up I think. They are testing you to see how bad you really need to talk with them.  I don’t give up and I finally get someone on the phone. A man with a monotone voice-who seems dead inside. He reports that no check has been received for this month and that I should open a case against my X.

“Are you sure?’’ I ask. “The X says he has a copy of the cancelled check.”

“I’m sure.” he replies. “I can’t help you. Call your county offices.”

I take a deep breath, and dutifully call my county offices. The good news is that someone answers the phone almost immediately! A very lovely lady, who has no idea how to help me. She takes a message for the lady who may be able to help me-but is of course in a meeting.

“But I don’t think we can help you.” she apologizes. “Unless you want to open a case. I think you should call the state back. They can help you.”

“Can the lady who knows something call me back?” I ask.

“Actually-no. Probably not.  You will need to call her back tomorrow… But I really think we can’t help you.” she repeats.

I sigh and text my BDF about my terrible, horrible, no good day and the injustices of my divorced life. I brace myself and call the X. Something I normally avoid at all costs. He is his regular condescending self. This is not his problem. He sent the check. It’s my problem. Etc. Etc. Etc. However- when I explain that the only answer I am getting so far is to open a case against him- he really gets irritated.

“I am just trying to get some help.”I explain.

“I will fax you a copy of the cancelled check.” Click. They man is obviously too busy to deal with this bullshit.

So I hang by the fax machine and wait for the evidence. It comes through. And in the tradition of all faxes it’s a shitty copy. Great. Perfect actually. But since I need the money…I dial the state again. I hold for 19 minutes before my daughter calls three times in a row so I know it must be something really serious.

‘Hello!!??’ I screech. ’What’s happened?!!’

‘When will you be home? Can I have a snack? Where is the ice cream?’ she asks.

‘I don’t know. I don’t care. Don’t call back unless something is on fire…’

I make my third phone call. It’s 4:20. I know my time is limited. I hold for 35 minutes. 35 minutes. 35 minutes in a row. It’s dangerously close to 5:00. I finally get someone on the phone. Another man who lacks job enthusiasm.  I quickly explain my entire story. Every little detail. The phone calls. The cancelled check. Everything. He is unimpressed.

“We can’t help you ma’am. You need to call your county and open a case.”

“The county told me to call you back! I have a copy of the cancelled check. Can’t I speak to the person who cashes checks?!” I’m desperate now. And to say I’m frustrated is an understatement. My right eye is beginning to twitch.

“No one here does that ma’am. I suggest you call the county and open a case against your X.”

So in retrospect- I could have taken off work and driven to the state capital in the same amount of time that I spent holding on the phone. I have a raging headache and still no answers. I am actually fantasizing about my X’s face if I did ‘just open a case against him’- just to cheer myself up.

And I am thinking of all those women who deal with this crap every single month. Asshole X’s who don’t even send the money. The bureaucracy that is supposed to help them. The hours spent worrying and fretting and trying to figure it out. While working. And taking care of kids. And all the other stuff it’s up to them alone to do…

My BDF is right about one thing. No one understands. They don’t get it. Unless they have stood in your shoes-your divorce shoes- while holding endlessly on the phone- waiting for answers-with a sick feeling in their  stomach…

Divorce is never done.

(Stay tuned for part 2. Will I get my money? Will the X get involved? Does my eye stop twitching?  How long will I hold on the phone? Are we out of ice cream? What shoes will I be wearing?)

 

No Fault Divorce?!

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The ‘no fault’ divorce. What is that? I don’t understand. How can divorce be no ones fault? I am still as confused today as the first time I heard this important tidbit. Missouri is a ‘no fault’ state my lawyer informed me. What?? Say it again real slow please… No fault you say? What a relief. No one has to feel bad. Its NO ONES FAULT.  Every one go back to your regularly scheduled program..nothing to see here. No one should feel wronged. It’s just a divorce.

They happen every day people! Your X has an affair-not relevant. He drinks to much-who really cares anyway. He’s an asshole- that’s his God given right. He never showed any interest in hands on parenting until exactly today at 8:03 am when he arrived at the Court House-the man is obviously busy.  He occasionally likes to smoke pot-it’s legal in 4 states anyway. He is a  practiced and skilled liar-who can blame him?  If he didn’t lie so well you might have found out about his affair sooner! He doesn’t like cats- why should he. Bad tipper- that will teach the waitress a lesson. But you know what he isn’t? Absolutely, positively is not? He isn’t at fault. No reason for him to loose any sleep. He has the right to get divorced and dismantle his family without the responsibility of being wrong. Thank you legal system for this gift to all who divorce. I really appreciate it.

But I have a radical thought here. What if.. What if it is someone’s fault? And that someone was made to be accountable. Would there be less divorce? I think it’s a valid question. What if there is a right and a wrong? A responsibility for your actions. Would that be an incentive to try a little harder? To be a better person. Maybe you would pay a little more attention at those marriage counseling appointments. But like always- that’s just my opinion..

Marriage is hard. Its a commitment! Preferably a lifelong commitment. No one is guaranteed constant happiness. And divorce has become an all too common option. You know..since it’s not my fault..I think I’ll just ditch this party all together, right? Maybe making no one take blame wasn’t our best idea ever..

I’m trying to think of another situation when things are no ones fault. Hmm… Besides illness and natural disasters.. I don’t think anyone is causing tornadoes around here. (And let’s not get into the Global Warming debate..) I’m talking strictly relationship stuff here. When things go wrong- it’s usually because someone is being an asshole.

It’s always someone’s fault! Maybe one person. Maybe both. You might take turns. It probably varies from day to day. But someone did something wrong.

So about that ‘no fault’ divorce. I call bullshit.. So I guess I better wear boots for that.

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Divorced Friends

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I remember hearing my mom talk about how there are different friends for different times in a persons life… You have your high school friends, the college friends, your mom groups, your couple friends… I’m not saying these groups are mutually exclusive. But they all represent different parts of who each of us are as a person.

When I was going through my divorce I was terrified. It was literally the most miserable experience I could imagine. I was totally unprepared. I remember feeling like I was drowning. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely think. Yet here I was in the middle of a contentious divorce. It wasn’t pretty. I needed to be at my best. And I clearly was not. (It’s like someone asking you to run a marathon tomorrow..with no previous training..and did I mention you have the flu?) I felt like a failure.

So I would try to seek some kind of relief. Some words of wisdom. I felt very alone. I didn’t know how to make it through my divorce. I didn’t know if I would be ok.. I asked Google. I literally typed it into Google ‘How to get through my divorce..’ (and I apparently wasn’t the only one..) She didn’t show me what I was looking for. (In my mind Google is a girl..) She sent me to sites that told me how to make lists and organize your visitation schedule. Advice on divorce lawyers. How to pray. How to ‘forgive.’ It wasn’t what I needed. I needed a real live person who had been in my shoes before. Who understood how divorce feels.

Married friends didn’t understand. How could they? I know that they cared..and that they were trying. But their advice seemed critical. These people knew how to be married..not how it feels to be getting divorced. They were going home to their husbands everyday.

That’s how I acquired my DF’s. Divorced friends. The people who also had driven by their X’s house at midnight on New Years Eve and realize this is perfectly acceptable ‘going through a divorce’ behavior. These people understand that sometimes you have to take a shower just so you have a place to sob uncontrollably. They know that Holidays are brutal. They tell you to avoid all TV commercials in the month of February. They don’t expect that you should be better in a few months..they know it will probably be a few years. They know what it’s like to pack suitcases for kids that you have spent only a handful of nights apart from since their birth- and send them off with the person who recently ripped out your heart. They won’t say dumb crap like it will be ok..it’s for the best..you’re not alone..you’re better off. They understand that this f***ing sucks and it’s going to suck for a really long time. So get used to it. They are willing to talk endlessly about what a complete narcissistic asshole your X is and how much you wish you were still married-and they don’t see any need to point out how that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. They will hate the other woman passionately for you-just because. They get it..they know..they are divorced.. They have been in my shoes. 👠

Hey, Are You Divorced??

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I think when picking your divorce lawyer you should choose someone who has actually been divorced. In fact…I think this should be the first question you ask.

“Hey, are you divorced?”

This did  not actually occur to me when I was choosing an attorney. I had no idea what I was doing and was still a little bit in denial about the whole thing.  I didn’t want to get divorced.  It still felt a little bit like a bad dream that I would wake up from. So this genius revelation never occurred to me until close to the end…

My divorce was a long (in my opinion) messy affair. Money was at stake. Visitation schedules. Holidays. Hourly rates. Back and forth. Emails and faxes. Distribution of property. Maintenance. Child support. Health insurance. The family silver needed to be divided. Who gets the tea service (not joking). He said she said. No fault divorce.

Blah..blah..blah…

I was sitting in my attorneys office preparing for our upcoming trial. Yes- trial. I hadn’t slept for months. I hadn’t been able to actually swallow food for weeks. The knot of terror in my throat kept getting in the way. My attorney is late. When he finally gets there he’s cranky. Perfect. He begins to tell me about the HORRIBLE morning he has had. Apparently his dishwasher had overflowed or leaked or something.. I’m having a hard time following in my current state of terrified, sleep deprived, malnutrition.  So I feel like I’m fighting for my life- and my lawyer is talking about kitchen appliances. You see his dishwasher malfunction caused water to leak onto his floor, and he had to help his wife deal with the catastrophe. His wife. He of course was happily married to a lovely woman. He had 2 adorable kids. (Picture the Christmas Card.) So at that very moment when he was lamenting his shitty morning to me- it hit me. This man has no fucking idea… He has no idea how this FEELS. He isn’t divorced. He probably thinks (like I used to) that divorce is something that happens to other people. And he probably thinks (like I used to) that they probably did something to deserve it. Divorce is a job to him. Not a feeling. And to me divorce is all about the feeling. Anger, rejection, grief, embarrassment, shame, exhaustion, uncertainty. It’s 100% fucking feelings. And those feelings are only understood by someone who has been there.

That is something they should put on their business cards…

Mr. John Doe

Attorney at Law

DIVORCED