Tag: change

I don’t do favorites…do I?

image

“What’s your favorite color?” asks my daughter. I am going to revamp my bedroom as a summer project. I need a fresh look. And I’m thinking I need to erase some lingering memories.  My daughter is excited to help me pick out new bedding, furniture, and of course paint colors. So at least that makes one of us…

“I don’t do favorites…”I reply. It’s my standard answer. But this time it doesn’t feel right…

“Why not? Everyone has favorite’s mom!” she points out.

“I don’t.” I maintained. But maybe I should start…

But I don’t ‘do’ favorites. Right? I gave those up. I haven’t done favorites since I was a kid. And I’m always amazed about how often this subject comes up. People want to know what your favorites are.  I guess it tells something about you as a person. It’s a get to know you strategy for many. When people ask me these favorite questions they seemed shocked that I don’t have an answer! It’s such an easy question right???

“What’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite song? What’s your favorite…” The list goes on and on.

So if your favorites tell something about you as a person… What do my lack of favorites say about me? Does it say that I am noncommittal? Indecisive? Boring? What? I’m not sure. I don’t think I am any of those things. But I’ve been wrong before.

I personally think that favorites change. Pretty often. I think they are based on your mood, the weather, the people around you, and your age. And none of those things stay the same. Change is the most consistent thing about being a person. (So for all those people out there who say they can’t change– I again call bullshit…)I obviously don’t like the same TV shows now that I did when I was 11. My favorite go to snack is no longer a Twinkie. I’ve changed!

Then you become a mom. And that changes everything again. When your kids are little they are all about the questions. They especially love the ‘favorite’s’ questions. Kids are never shy about letting you know what they like best! And they desperately want to know what your favorites are. But if you slip up and go down that road with your little darlings… you quickly find yourself facing the “who’s your favorite child” question. It was a trap! You now have to come up with the creative “You’re my favorite 7 year old!” “You’re my favorite daughter!” “You’re my favorite boy with a name that starts with a W.” You have to think on your feet when you are a mom. One slip up and you’re going to pay…

But that isn’t the only reason I decided to boycott favorites. I think I just only realized recently that it goes deeper than that. As an adult I never really believed that my ‘favorite’ mattered. I mean who cares if my favorite color is green. The X likes yellow so that’s the color we were painting the kitchen. It’s not even going to be up for discussion. Who cares what my favorite radio station is. When the X is in the car we are going to listen to the game. And my favorite restaurant…really seems irrelevant. I’m just a stay at home mom with no income of my own. The X is paying. We are eating where he wants. And my favorite thing to do is spend time with you. To bad. He’s busy. So I lost my voice. And my favorites. I conditioned myself not to care. It was just easier that way. I told myself what mattered most was that the people around me were happy. Let someone else pick…  Not calling out my favorite seemed like a good way to avoid disappointment.

But I think I’ve been wrong. I think I need to find my favorites. Maybe it’s an important part of the process of me figuring out who I am and what I need. If I don’t tell anyone my favorite won’t I always be disappointed?  I should embrace my likes with the same enthusiasm as the adorable 7 year old girl I once was. Life was easier then anyway. And definitely more fun.

So here it goes. Some of my favorites. Today anyway…

Favorite color: Green

Favorite food: Bolognaise

Favorite song:  Love Yourself

Favorite animal: Turtle

Favorite vacation spot: The beach

Favorite season: Fall

Favorite movie: Pride and Prejudice

Favorite flower: Pink roses

Favorite thing to do: Spend time with people I love…

 

Just don’t ask me my favorite shoes. There are too many I haven’t even met yet…👠

 

 

That’s just how I am…

image

So I have a ‘pet peeve.’ Actually it’s a little more than a pet peeve. That makes it sound trivial. It’s something that totally irritates the shit out of me. And more seriously than that- it has caused me great pain in my life.

It’s that person that acts like a total bitch about something…and then say’s ‘that’s just how I am’ when you have finally had enough and you get up the nerve to mention it to them. Wait a minute here… What? Is that an excuse? An explanation? What do you mean that’s ‘just how you are’? You mean you’re being a total bitch right now and you’re okay with it? And now you want me to be okay with it as well because apparently you are too lazy to change your behavior. And by the way this basically means that you are expecting me to change my behavior in some way so that I can deal with your issues.  Hmmm… Does that actually make sense to you? Does it make sense to anyone? I’m seriously asking here! Is this behavior okay?

Listen friends… ‘That’s just how I am’ is the equivalent of ‘I’m just saying.’ And you shouldn’t be saying either. Especially if you are over the age of 13.  Let me give you an example.

I have a ‘friend’ who seems to be quite moody. Downright difficult. You don’t always know where you stand with her.  And it can be tiring. But if you mention this to her she unapologetically replies ‘That’s just how I am.’ As if she has no control over her own behavior. She can just be ‘who she is’ without any of the repercussions.  As if people are incapable of changing their behaviors. In her mind it’s not her problem-it’s yours. She has no responsibility in this.

I’m guessing it’s obvious that I’m going to bring this back around to my X.  My X was a big believer that people couldn’t change. He used that excuse often. He was just being him. And that was the end of it. Deal with it.  I on the other hand have the opinion that people change every day. People who say they can’t change just don’t want to. They don’t feel they need to. It’s easier to quit than to grow as a person. They obviously think that their feelings about any given situation trump yours. It’s narcissistic behavior at it’s best.  Maybe that is what really bothers me. I can still here my X’s voice in my head clearly. ‘People don’t change. Especially not at my age.’ ‘This is how I was raised. This is how my family was.’ Newsflash– your parents didn’t seem to have that great of a marriage. And your family doesn’t seem that happy with each other. I’m not sure how you don’t see that?! (And btw…it has been scientifically proven that you CAN teach old dogs new tricks. Age is irrelevant. Are you not as smart as a dog??) To me that attitude is the ultimate in selfish behavior. It’s immature and hurtful. If your behavior consistently is causing problems in your relationships-with people you supposedly care about-maybe…just maybe… you should consider a little self-reflection.

Maybe you can change. If you try. I believe you can! Isn’t that what life is really about? Is it really that impossible to try something different? To try something new for the people in your life? If you really are incapable of change- maybe you aren’t as smart as you think you are.

Actually…lets be honest. You definitely aren’t as smart as you think you are.👠

 

***And I recently read a quote which I found to be perfect. “A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.” Muhammad Ali

 

 

The invisible woman?

image

My #2 son is a huge super-hero fan. He and his friends are total comic book nerds. (Which in my opinion makes them some of the coolest people in the entire world…)  They have spent endless time discussing who their favorite heroes are, analyzing which are the best super powers, debating Marvel vs. DC, attending Comic Con, and judging which super hero movies are the best of the best. The list goes on and on. He has always had a fascination with super powers. I can picture him clearly playing for hours with his brother and cousin on the trampoline in the backyard of our old house when he was little.  Each one of them would choose a super power and ‘battle’ for an entire afternoon. And it would always lead to the inevitable question from him, ‘Mom what do you want your super power to be?’

What do I want my super power to be? I have some idea’s. I haven’t analyzed it like #2, but I have some thoughts. I would like to be like Elastigirl from the Incredibles. Having a body that always bounces back seems pretty awesome. What woman doesn’t want that? She doesn’t have to worry about stretch marks.  Super speed seems pretty enticing as well. Getting all my shit done in a blink of an eye would be fantastic.  And sometimes… I already feel like I am invisible. But not in the good ‘super power’ way.  More like the ‘I feel like people (men) can easily overlook me…and my needs’ way. And that is something I need to work on. That kind of invisible is no fun.

I think I have a hard time putting my own needs first. I definitely have a hard time asking for attention. I seem to clam up instead. Which in the end makes me resentful and angry. But asking for attention is hard! And I guess I’m not sure that I should… As a woman and mother we are conditioned to put other people first. And they don’t have to ask! It actually feels natural to me. I think it is natural for a lot of people. Nice people. Mom people. Loving people. And truthfully-I think the only thing that makes that wrong is when those same ‘people’ aren’t willing to do the same for you. That is when you start to feel invisible. When I wake up in the morning before my feet even hit the floor I have thought about all those people closest to me and what they need. What are they doing today? What do they need from me? I am checking off a mental list of what my ‘people’ need in my head. Even if all I do is worry about what they are facing-I’m always thinking about whatever their challenge is. They are always on my mind. I’m thinking positive thoughts. Saying silent prayers. I feel vested in my ‘people’…and their problems. And I am always so proud of their successes! I am their #1 fan. I love them.

But I have noticed something about some men. Or specifically the men I have chosen to be a part of my life. Like my X.(And I know that there are other ones out there. I know that this can’t be about ‘all’ men. At least I think it can’t. Please please please…)  The men that I so brilliantly chose to be part of my life had a different super power. They are able to wake up in the morning and just think about their needs. That’s it. They are looking out for themselves. And everyone else comes second. That is what comes natural to them. Their number one priority is them. It’s that simple. And this amazes me. Their super power is selfishness. And that is just such a foreign concept to me!  You are only worried about you…until your list is crossed off. And then you might eventually worry about me if it fits into your schedule? And the kids? I’m not sure how to respond to this. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

And please don’t tell me the airplane scenario here. You know the one. About if the plane is going down put on your oxygen mask first. Put yourself first. That’s a pretty fucking unique situation. Yes we all have situations when we need to put our needs first. But not every time. Not every day. There has to be balance! If you put yourself first every single time- you are selfish. It’s not always about your day at work. Your litany of problems. What your friends are doing. Not everyone cares about your Wednesday night card game with the guys. Or your intense love of duck hunting.  Life is about balancing your needs equally with the needs of the people you love. It can’t always be about you! Because if it is- it makes the other people in your life feel invisible.

And invisible is something I don’t want to be ever again. It makes me feel like I have no value. It makes me feel resentful. It makes me angry. It makes me unhappy.  I will from now on be a better advocate for myself! (I hope). I will chose people who can put other peoples needs first. I will do better. I don’t want to be invisible!

Not to mention…when I’m invisible, you can’t see my shoes…👠

Who the Hell are you?

image

Who am I?

What am I supposed to be when that’s all I wanted to be… Wife. Mother. Stay-at-home mom. PTO president. Church volunteer. Wife. My family was my life. I had great pride in all of those things. I thought I had it all figured out.

Trying to reinvent yourself in your late 30’s. Against your will. What great fun! Said no one ever. I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t know.. I hadn’t even considered it. I really thought my X and I would grow old together. That someday our kids would be able to visit at Christmas with their own families and sleep in their old rooms. I would always be part of that. Part of him. We would weather through our tough times. I was naive. I held on to my marriage with all my might. It was who I was. It was my life.

But that didn’t work out. Request denied. Door slammed. Move along lady.. So now what? That’s the million dollar question. The last few years have been the hardest of my life. My divorce was pretty much a shit show. I had my pretty little picture ripped in two. There has been a lot of sadness. And anger. And let’s not forget the fear and anxiety. They are always close by. But I have strapped on my high heels and kept moving forward. 👠And with that I have began to redefine myself. And it has been at times liberating. I am no longer judging myself through the eyes of my X. I’m so much more than that.

I’m still a mother- just a single working one. And a woman. Just a single dating one. I’m a Nurse. A professional. A writer? A friend. A daughter and sister. I’m smart. And god dam I AM tough. Even when I didn’t believe it. I look in the mirror today and see a whole new person. Maybe..just maybe..who I am is more. I’m not sure yet. But I have hope in the maybe.

I’m not the same person that I used to be. But my divorce isn’t going to be my end all-be all. No! Almost every single aspect of my life has changed. Constantly evolving in my quest to figure this shit out! I will not give my X the satisfaction of breaking me. I will not continue to see myself through his eyes. Fuck that. Fuck him. He was wrong..

But I do know one thing for sure. I’m not a wife.

I’m divorced.

And I have the shoes to prove it…