Tag: attorney

Divorce is never done. Part 2.

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Day 3 of the hostage situation… I’m not being held hostage. Just my money. Or should I say my kids money?

I woke up with determination yesterday! My X had faxed a copy of the cancelled check to the county offices-so they had proof that they had indeed received and cashed my missing check. (That was a fun process. Asking him to do something is always so easy…) I was prepared to get to the bottom of this child support issue. Immediately. Quickly and rationally. I would get answers that made since. People would be understanding and helpful-because that’s their job. I was so hopeful back then. So naive…

I waited until 8:30 on the dot and called my county offices. A slightly friendly (definitely not overly friendly) woman answered the phone. I asked to speak to the ‘lady who knows about this stuff.’ She-of course-had not called me back to let me know if she had done anything about my situation.

“Hi. Can I speak to the lady who knows stuff?” I ask.

“She’s in a meeting.”

“Do you know when she will be available?” I inquire.

“No.”

“May I leave a message? I have been trying to get my situation resolved for several days now-and I haven’t heard back from her..” I explain.

“No. You will need to call back.”

Ok- let me stop here and not bore you with all the frustrating details. But I called my county offices three times and each time they told me they couldn’t take a message. WTF. You can’t take a message? Is that an option. No one told me that! If so I’ve been doing it all wrong. At my job everyone takes messages! Because…you know…it’s our job. On my third call I can’t take it anymore. My positive attitude was long gone.  In my mind everyone in the office either looks like Kim Davis or Roz from Monsters Inc. I’m no longer feeling rational.

“Is there a reason you can’t take a message?”

Long pause…… She actually seems surprised by my question. Like messages are some kind of foreign concept. “I guess I can write a note.” she concedes.

I did not receive a return phone call. Surprise. In her defense she did say write a note. Not deliver it. There was no guarantee of any action. So I make my fourth phone call. And in a show of mercy from the universe, the lady who knows something is there. She can take my call. And she has news.

“Well- we were able to locate your money. It was distributed to the wrong person. And as long as that person hasn’t cashed the check- we will be able to redistribute it to you. We think that they haven’t. If they had it would be bad! We would have to wait for them to return it…”she explains slowly.  “So we will issue you a check. But I’m not exactly sure how long that will take. Hopefully not to long… However maybe you should tell your X to make sure he’s writing the check correctly when he sends it. And that he has your case number on it.”

Now it’s my turn to issue the long pause…. Huh? What? Are you kidding? Why do I have to wait to see if some ‘person’ who thinks they just got a much needed bonus cashed a check or not?! This is your error people! Give me my money!

“So I don’t understand. I’m just supposed to wait?” I ask in confusion.

“Yes.”

Ok-warning- slight rant ahead. I think this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. That is why everyone in the world hates dealing with ‘government’ agencies. This is why Donald Trump is winning. People are pissed. It’s why you need to drink a glass of wine to recover from your trip to the DMV. It’s why you might need therapy during tax season. It is impossible to speak to anyone who knows anything. ‘Policies’ rule the world… You will spend hours holding on the phone trying to speak to someone at almost any government office. It’s why schools get a bad rap and your blood pressure rises when just enter a post office.  There is no common sense! You know it won’t be easy…but you have no choice. It’s just the way it is. Period. It’s bureaucracy at its finest. And when you are a divorced single mom with no child support check this month-its beyond frustrating. It’s fucking ridiculous. 

So here’s where I stand. I haven’t got my money. The X really didn’t really have to be bothered with this. My eye is still twitching occasionally. I have no idea how long I have spent holding on the phone. I bought more ice cream… And I am still wearing my divorce shoes.

And I will be for awhile. Because divorce is never done.

 

 

 

 

 

No Fault Divorce?!

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The ‘no fault’ divorce. What is that? I don’t understand. How can divorce be no ones fault? I am still as confused today as the first time I heard this important tidbit. Missouri is a ‘no fault’ state my lawyer informed me. What?? Say it again real slow please… No fault you say? What a relief. No one has to feel bad. Its NO ONES FAULT.  Every one go back to your regularly scheduled program..nothing to see here. No one should feel wronged. It’s just a divorce.

They happen every day people! Your X has an affair-not relevant. He drinks to much-who really cares anyway. He’s an asshole- that’s his God given right. He never showed any interest in hands on parenting until exactly today at 8:03 am when he arrived at the Court House-the man is obviously busy.  He occasionally likes to smoke pot-it’s legal in 4 states anyway. He is a  practiced and skilled liar-who can blame him?  If he didn’t lie so well you might have found out about his affair sooner! He doesn’t like cats- why should he. Bad tipper- that will teach the waitress a lesson. But you know what he isn’t? Absolutely, positively is not? He isn’t at fault. No reason for him to loose any sleep. He has the right to get divorced and dismantle his family without the responsibility of being wrong. Thank you legal system for this gift to all who divorce. I really appreciate it.

But I have a radical thought here. What if.. What if it is someone’s fault? And that someone was made to be accountable. Would there be less divorce? I think it’s a valid question. What if there is a right and a wrong? A responsibility for your actions. Would that be an incentive to try a little harder? To be a better person. Maybe you would pay a little more attention at those marriage counseling appointments. But like always- that’s just my opinion..

Marriage is hard. Its a commitment! Preferably a lifelong commitment. No one is guaranteed constant happiness. And divorce has become an all too common option. You know..since it’s not my fault..I think I’ll just ditch this party all together, right? Maybe making no one take blame wasn’t our best idea ever..

I’m trying to think of another situation when things are no ones fault. Hmm… Besides illness and natural disasters.. I don’t think anyone is causing tornadoes around here. (And let’s not get into the Global Warming debate..) I’m talking strictly relationship stuff here. When things go wrong- it’s usually because someone is being an asshole.

It’s always someone’s fault! Maybe one person. Maybe both. You might take turns. It probably varies from day to day. But someone did something wrong.

So about that ‘no fault’ divorce. I call bullshit.. So I guess I better wear boots for that.

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Divorced Friends

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I remember hearing my mom talk about how there are different friends for different times in a persons life… You have your high school friends, the college friends, your mom groups, your couple friends… I’m not saying these groups are mutually exclusive. But they all represent different parts of who each of us are as a person.

When I was going through my divorce I was terrified. It was literally the most miserable experience I could imagine. I was totally unprepared. I remember feeling like I was drowning. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely think. Yet here I was in the middle of a contentious divorce. It wasn’t pretty. I needed to be at my best. And I clearly was not. (It’s like someone asking you to run a marathon tomorrow..with no previous training..and did I mention you have the flu?) I felt like a failure.

So I would try to seek some kind of relief. Some words of wisdom. I felt very alone. I didn’t know how to make it through my divorce. I didn’t know if I would be ok.. I asked Google. I literally typed it into Google ‘How to get through my divorce..’ (and I apparently wasn’t the only one..) She didn’t show me what I was looking for. (In my mind Google is a girl..) She sent me to sites that told me how to make lists and organize your visitation schedule. Advice on divorce lawyers. How to pray. How to ‘forgive.’ It wasn’t what I needed. I needed a real live person who had been in my shoes before. Who understood how divorce feels.

Married friends didn’t understand. How could they? I know that they cared..and that they were trying. But their advice seemed critical. These people knew how to be married..not how it feels to be getting divorced. They were going home to their husbands everyday.

That’s how I acquired my DF’s. Divorced friends. The people who also had driven by their X’s house at midnight on New Years Eve and realize this is perfectly acceptable ‘going through a divorce’ behavior. These people understand that sometimes you have to take a shower just so you have a place to sob uncontrollably. They know that Holidays are brutal. They tell you to avoid all TV commercials in the month of February. They don’t expect that you should be better in a few months..they know it will probably be a few years. They know what it’s like to pack suitcases for kids that you have spent only a handful of nights apart from since their birth- and send them off with the person who recently ripped out your heart. They won’t say dumb crap like it will be ok..it’s for the best..you’re not alone..you’re better off. They understand that this f***ing sucks and it’s going to suck for a really long time. So get used to it. They are willing to talk endlessly about what a complete narcissistic asshole your X is and how much you wish you were still married-and they don’t see any need to point out how that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. They will hate the other woman passionately for you-just because. They get it..they know..they are divorced.. They have been in my shoes. 👠

Hey, Are You Divorced??

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I think when picking your divorce lawyer you should choose someone who has actually been divorced. In fact…I think this should be the first question you ask.

“Hey, are you divorced?”

This did  not actually occur to me when I was choosing an attorney. I had no idea what I was doing and was still a little bit in denial about the whole thing.  I didn’t want to get divorced.  It still felt a little bit like a bad dream that I would wake up from. So this genius revelation never occurred to me until close to the end…

My divorce was a long (in my opinion) messy affair. Money was at stake. Visitation schedules. Holidays. Hourly rates. Back and forth. Emails and faxes. Distribution of property. Maintenance. Child support. Health insurance. The family silver needed to be divided. Who gets the tea service (not joking). He said she said. No fault divorce.

Blah..blah..blah…

I was sitting in my attorneys office preparing for our upcoming trial. Yes- trial. I hadn’t slept for months. I hadn’t been able to actually swallow food for weeks. The knot of terror in my throat kept getting in the way. My attorney is late. When he finally gets there he’s cranky. Perfect. He begins to tell me about the HORRIBLE morning he has had. Apparently his dishwasher had overflowed or leaked or something.. I’m having a hard time following in my current state of terrified, sleep deprived, malnutrition.  So I feel like I’m fighting for my life- and my lawyer is talking about kitchen appliances. You see his dishwasher malfunction caused water to leak onto his floor, and he had to help his wife deal with the catastrophe. His wife. He of course was happily married to a lovely woman. He had 2 adorable kids. (Picture the Christmas Card.) So at that very moment when he was lamenting his shitty morning to me- it hit me. This man has no fucking idea… He has no idea how this FEELS. He isn’t divorced. He probably thinks (like I used to) that divorce is something that happens to other people. And he probably thinks (like I used to) that they probably did something to deserve it. Divorce is a job to him. Not a feeling. And to me divorce is all about the feeling. Anger, rejection, grief, embarrassment, shame, exhaustion, uncertainty. It’s 100% fucking feelings. And those feelings are only understood by someone who has been there.

That is something they should put on their business cards…

Mr. John Doe

Attorney at Law

DIVORCED