Tag: advice

Tell her what she needs to hear…maybe.

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I have an old friend (old as in since High School friend…not as in elderly…even though we are over 40…) that is going through a tough time in her marriage. Tough time is really an understatement. It’s a shit show that I can’t even begin to understand. We haven’t been in touch much the last couple of years. But the bottom line is clear however-she and her husband don’t like each other. And their 2 kids are fully aware. If anyone every needed to get divorced it’s these two people. Yet- I know it’s not that easy.

She has called me recently reaching out for help. I know she needs what I needed not so long ago. Someone who has been through it. Someone who has walked in her shoes…  But I struggle with what to actually say to her. I can’t seem to say ‘you need to get a divorce.’ The words get stuck in my throat. Even as a divorced woman who is beginning to see the perks of not being in a shitty marriage- I hesitate.

Why? Why is it such a dilemma to me? It feels like a moral dilemma. You see- I don’t believe in divorce. (Ironic…I know…)That is why I went through mine kicking and screaming. Divorce is bad. Period. It’s never completely over. It has changed my children’s world drastically. I hate it. But- I am fully aware that a failing marriage isn’t fun either. For anyone. It steals your happiness, your self-esteem, and your energy. It steals your life. So what’s my hang up? I’ve been thinking about this for several days. Tell her to get her shit together and get divorced! Get a lawyer. Make a plan. Figure it out. It’s inevitable anyway. Tell her what she needs to hear!

Recommending divorce to anyone is a risky business. I don’t know their intimate details. What they think about when they lay down to go to sleep at night. There is no guarantee that it will work out for the better for them.  It might all blow up in their faces! Maybe hating each others guts is just a thing they do.  I just don’t know… I’m not them.

So I’ve come to a conclusion. Sort of.  About the reason I can’t say it. And it (of course) can be laid at the feet of my X. I can’t stand to say the words out loud because I don’t want him to be right. It would seem hypocritical of me to recommend divorce to anyone else…right? I don’t believe in it…right? I don’t want my X to think for one minute what he did was admirable.  I seem unable to separate my personal baggage from my opinions about divorce in general. It’s some complicated stuff…

It goes against my grain to say it-but sometimes the end comes so that you can find a new beginning. It isn’t easy. It’s incredibly difficult actually. Divorce isn’t a quick fix. And we can’t forget the kids-they are the ones paying the biggest price.  But…sometimes-you gotta throw in the towel and find a new life for yourself. I don’t know what that is yet for me. But I’m figuring it out.

But for my old friend. The one with the husband who hates her. I hope she finds some divorce shoes she likes. Because she’s going to need them…

Just keep swimming..

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The divorce is over..so don’t look back! Just keep swimming. Put one foot in front of other. Focus on the future. Anyone and everyone will jump at the chance to tell you to just move on already. Like somehow I haven’t heard these little tidbits of wisdom before. Enlighten my please Yoda..

I’ve heard the message ok? I get it. But enough already. It’s not that easy! Not every day. It was 15 years and 3 kids. The biggest milestones of my life were in there. Some days I am running full speed ahead- embracing my future with determination and stylish footwear. Sometimes-not so much. I can’t take that kind of pressure.

The days (and sleepless nights) of remembering..of rehashing..do come less often than they used to. But they are still part of my life. And I’m tired of feeling bad about it. I mean who is this super woman who has found inner peace and happiness by never looking back? I don’t think I would like her. She doesn’t sound like my type.. And I think the people passing out these inspiring bits of wisdom might be full of shit. I think they look back too. I think it’s human nature! I assume we have memories for a reason..right?

In one of the Harry Potter movies (don’t ask me which one..) there was a scene where Dumbledore removed a memory from his head with is wand. He was going to share it with Harry. It showed up as a bright light floating there in the air. I was mesmerized. It actually brought tears to my eyes. It was magic! God what I wouldn’t do for that some days (or more likely..some nights..around 4am). It’s not just the memory itself- but the feelings that go with it. The pain and anger..the embarrassment. The loss. I’d love to never revisit those again.

But that’s also where it gets complicated. What if I did magically ‘erase’ all of the bad? Would that be good? I’m not sure anymore. It’s all pretty confusing. I feel like my past is a Rubik’s Cube. If I could just solve it I will miraculously move forward with ease!

I think I just depressed myself with that analogy..since I have never even come close to solving a Rubik’s cube.

I think I’m screwed.

Divorced Friends

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I remember hearing my mom talk about how there are different friends for different times in a persons life… You have your high school friends, the college friends, your mom groups, your couple friends… I’m not saying these groups are mutually exclusive. But they all represent different parts of who each of us are as a person.

When I was going through my divorce I was terrified. It was literally the most miserable experience I could imagine. I was totally unprepared. I remember feeling like I was drowning. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely think. Yet here I was in the middle of a contentious divorce. It wasn’t pretty. I needed to be at my best. And I clearly was not. (It’s like someone asking you to run a marathon tomorrow..with no previous training..and did I mention you have the flu?) I felt like a failure.

So I would try to seek some kind of relief. Some words of wisdom. I felt very alone. I didn’t know how to make it through my divorce. I didn’t know if I would be ok.. I asked Google. I literally typed it into Google ‘How to get through my divorce..’ (and I apparently wasn’t the only one..) She didn’t show me what I was looking for. (In my mind Google is a girl..) She sent me to sites that told me how to make lists and organize your visitation schedule. Advice on divorce lawyers. How to pray. How to ‘forgive.’ It wasn’t what I needed. I needed a real live person who had been in my shoes before. Who understood how divorce feels.

Married friends didn’t understand. How could they? I know that they cared..and that they were trying. But their advice seemed critical. These people knew how to be married..not how it feels to be getting divorced. They were going home to their husbands everyday.

That’s how I acquired my DF’s. Divorced friends. The people who also had driven by their X’s house at midnight on New Years Eve and realize this is perfectly acceptable ‘going through a divorce’ behavior. These people understand that sometimes you have to take a shower just so you have a place to sob uncontrollably. They know that Holidays are brutal. They tell you to avoid all TV commercials in the month of February. They don’t expect that you should be better in a few months..they know it will probably be a few years. They know what it’s like to pack suitcases for kids that you have spent only a handful of nights apart from since their birth- and send them off with the person who recently ripped out your heart. They won’t say dumb crap like it will be ok..it’s for the best..you’re not alone..you’re better off. They understand that this f***ing sucks and it’s going to suck for a really long time. So get used to it. They are willing to talk endlessly about what a complete narcissistic asshole your X is and how much you wish you were still married-and they don’t see any need to point out how that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. They will hate the other woman passionately for you-just because. They get it..they know..they are divorced.. They have been in my shoes. 👠